Sunday, September 1, 2019

I'm not the me I used to be.
The old me was positive, friendly, even kinda fun.
The me of today struggles to get out of bed every day because I know it will be one more day of heartache, fear, and depression.

Some days I feel hopeful, someday I wonder if life is even worth living.
Lately I actually do stay in bed a lot Its my coping mechanism.
But you can only hide from reality for so long.

I had four days alone from my sister and son and it ruined me. It was the best four days I've had in my life in at least 12 years...but even then I got stressful phone calls and their 6 day trip ended 2 days early.

To live alone, to not have to deal with anyone else's moods, problems, depression, illness, would be Heavenly. But I don't see how it can happen because I refuse to abandon my son. My sister, I could leave, but not Keven.

He has too many issues. He's paranoid, he sees things, he's extremely depressed, he's anxious and he can't stop using. He has terrible nightmares and feels people touching him when he sleeps. He comes into my room after a nightmare, just like a child would. He has no friends, no social life, no physical activity. He barely leaves his room.

My boyfriend is supportive, but he lives 7 hours away. And when he comes to visit Keven isolates even more, not because he doesn't like Peter, he just feels uncomfortable with someone else in the house.

Now he has an idea for starting his own business and feels like people will discourage him because he's an addict. He knows he has to stop using before he can run a business....and of course there are a few other minor things to consider: money! etc. etc. etc.

As Bruce says in one of his songs: "I ain't lookin for praise or pity". I'm just sharing this here to get it out of my system. It helps, a little.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

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