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Sunday, February 3, 2019

My Brother

I just need to get this off my chest.  I am so sad.  My brother and I used to be close but over the last few years (mostly the last few months) I've seen a mean streak in him...lol...that's putting it nicely.  He is abusive toward me, verbally.  He lashes out and makes me feel stupid and yells and throws things and breaks things (fortunately many of this conversations are on the phone so I not present for all the breaking, but I hear it and then see the aftermath).

He is depressed.  He drinks too much.  He has COPD and possibly lung cancer.  He has about 5 years left to live (according to his doctor).  So is he alienating us (he treats my sister this way also) so it won't hurt so bad when he dies?  The way things are now, he's right, I will be sad but I won't miss the person he has become. 

I fear he will commit suicide.  He HATES Keven, has told me that if Keven ever shows up at his house he will kill him.  (He and Keven had it out once and Keven was high and pulled a knife...Lord, the shit I've been through).

We are in the middle of probate on on TWO houses and in the middle of selling one.  Once all that is done I won't have to take his abuse because its always related to something having to do with legal stuff that I don't understand.  That's why we have a lawyer (a friend of mine).  SHE knows what she's doing and I trust her, he doesn't trust anyone.

Most of my life is all about other people.  I fantasize about the day I can move with Peter and live in peace with one small well behaved dog.  BUT, I can't leave Keven on his own at this point.  So I don't know when or if I will ever see that dream, but I think I will.  I deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

2 comments:

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  2. My humble opinion...“Selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.”
    ― Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous

    Hugs to you! I hope at some point you choose to take back your power and put yourself first. "Let go" of Keven and any others that bring toxicity into your life. HUGS!

    ReplyDelete

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