Tuesday, October 2, 2018

I need to decide

Peter has come and gone from another visit. Everything indicates that I do not love him and that he loves me "too much" (he's obsessed with me, his world revolves around me).  In so many ways he's a great guy, but he's not the guy for me.  I have a lack of respect for him in several areas.  I am so far from perfect but he accepts all my flaws - including my fat body which he insists is beautiful.  He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.  Its nice to hear once a day or so, but not constantly throughout each conversation. 

Honestly, I don't know if there is a guy for me because I have had 2 other failed engagements, and the longest term relationship I ever had was 2.5 years with Keven's dad (and I got pregnant a year AFTER we broke up, so we did keep seeing each other now and then after the break-up).  But on the other hand, do I want a man in my life?  Yes, but only if its the right one.

One reason its hard to break up with Peter is that he will be devastated and angry and want to endlessly discuss WHY.  I will miss him as a friend but don't think its fair to him if I stay friends with him (at least not at first).  He wants me to list all of the reasons in detail why I am breaking up with him and that's hard for me because it would seem like a list of things I don't like about him and I don't want to hurt him more than I already will be.

Its not fair of me to keep it dragging on...but this time it will be "for good".  All I know is that when he was here I was anxious for him to leave.  That is not a good sign.  How do I tell him that?  :(

In other news - Keven has the two things that addicts sometimes get that both start with an "H".  I can't bear to even spell it out.  He needs to get one final blood test to confirm but has refused to get one so far because for him a simple lab test requires an out-patient visit to the hospital so they can use an ultra-wound machine to locate a vein.  All his surface veins are collapsed from shooting up all these years.  He is suppose to go into a detox this week, I hope and pray it works out. 

Lastly, I need to find a JOB.  I haven't worked a real job in about 18 months so it will be an adjustment, but first I have to find one.  I am an "older worker" so that has its benefits and its drawbacks.  The main concern I have is my memory, I am not the sharp gal I used to be - I think its because there are so many things taking up space in my brain, or maybe its just age.  I'm nervous, but I need to make a living.  Wish me luck.

Thanks to the few of you who still read my ramblings here.  It helps to just get this stuff out in the open, even if only a few people see it :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Kev visiting a friend in the hospital.  I rarely get a pic of him.  


  1. Good luck to Keven in treatment and with the blood test outcomes-at least we have treatments for both! Also, sending prayers that you make whatever decision is right for you regarding your relationship! I am praying for you. Hugs

  2. Thinking of you always, Barbara ... hope life works out for you. Sad for Keven, but there is medication available for both problems ... hope he chooses to take it. Stay strong, hugs from me to you x

  3. You must be just physically and emotionally exhausted. Thank you for still finding the time to post about your journey of life. I’m sorry to hear about your son. Honestly, in my naiveté, I never considered that my sister may get those. It’s frightening. For all I know, she could have contracted either of them.


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