Saturday, November 12, 2016

He Gets Out Tomorrow

This has been a stressful week because of the elections, whichever way you voted seeing what's happening now (riots, hate, etc.) is so discouraging.  I want to yell "Why can't we all just get along"? even though that's way too simplistic for division of our country.

So I pick Keven up tomorrow.  I am elated, thrilled, excited because he's getting out of the rat hole filled with corrupt guards, drug dealers, deplorable conditions and disgusting food.  Did he deserve this?  No, not for being a drug addict.  But that's how we treat them.

Yes, I am bitter and so is he.  I think the worse part of this is how much he's changed for the worse.  He's aged, which sounds weird when talking about someone who is about to turn 26.  He's full of hate, anger....but towards me he is full of love and gratitude that I stuck by him.  I know a lot of moms do, I see it every visiting day, but a lot of parents don't.  I get that too, if he goes back, I won't visit as often.

IF he goes back.  I doubt that he will, in fact I would be shocked.  My concern is that he will die out here.  He's got a plan for himself that he thinks will work.  If it doesn't, he will go back to the traditional plan of rehab which has never worked.  He will be taking Suboxone which isn't allowed in treatment but has helped thousands.  He may be on it for the rest of his life and I don't care.  I just hope Trump doesn't make it unavaialbe to those with "Obama Care" because that's all the insurance he has.

I love my son so much, but I miss Anthony so much.  Keven is not a happy person and rarely smiles, he told me to please not expect him to be cheerful, he just can't do it.  I told him I don't expect anything of him other than honesty, following the "rules",  and helping around the house till he finds a job. Its sad.  I hope he can find some joy somewhere.  I wish Anthony could sprinkle some magic happy dust down on him.  That sounded so dumb, good thing not many people read here.

Bottom line:  Prison has taken a broken addict and made him worse.  It should be illegal to call it the Dept. of Corrections and Rehabilitation.  Its punishment.  I do know two other people in prison and one actually can take classes in parenting and anger management, but he waited over a year on a waiting list for them.  Its just messed up.

I met a guy...sort of.  A mutual friend introduced us but he lives outside San Fransisco which is 6-7 hours away.  We think we may be in love which is weird since we've never met.  He's a bit older than me(65), and the most wonderful guy ever, so respectful, positive, caring, fun, we are so much alike its crazy.  I don't want to hurt him which is my usual ending to every relationship I've had.  I told myself I was fine being single but if God wanted me to have a man in my life he'd have to drop him into my lap because I wasn't going tooking - and here he is.  We will meet next month.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara


  1. Prayers for you and Keven and best of luck with the SF guy..:) It's never too late. Praying Trump does not do a lot of what he said including killing the ACA with nothing in its place. God help us.

  2. "I hope he can find some joy somewhere."

    I so want that for him and for you Barbara. And for me. Joy can seem so elusive when life is filled with hard stuff.

  3. Hi Barbara, I hope things go better than you expect them to with Kevin home. I hope he can find some peace, and you also. I have never mentioned it, but my world has been topsy turvy these past few years ... my daughter went on the drug addiction spiral, not heroin, but ice. Of course there was all the usual legal issues involved, but she seems to be coming out the other side ok, so far. She avoided prison (mainly for theft and possession), thanks to becoming a resident at Odyssey House rehab here in Melbourne. She is doing ok right now, and I have seen a marked improvement in her attitude and thinking. I think she will be ok. I wish the same for you and Keven. Sending love and hugs xxx

    1. Oh, Connie, I had no idea. I am so sorry to hear this but it does sound like she's on the right track now. The change in attitude and thinking is SO IMPORTANT and such a good sign, I have high hopes for her. So far so good with Keven but its only been one day.

    2. Thanks, Barbara ... fingers crossed for everything with Keven. I will be thinking of you xxx

  4. Keeping my fingers crossed for both the men in your life.

    You know I'm having big issues with my 18 year old daughter, and I often find myself thinking of you and the way you handle Keven. I wish I could be as forgiving as you.

    1. Oh Joey, I hate that you have issues with your daughter. Its one of the hardest things in life when that precious person you love becomes someone you don't even want to know. I am forgiving because of my nature and sometimes I wonder if maybe I should be more of a hard-ass. I think its important for them to know we love them, but never let them take advantage of us, break our boundaries or be rude, disrespectful, etc. It sucks. It totally sucks. :( If you want to email me and tell me more I'd love to hear about it.


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