Saturday, November 12, 2016

He Gets Out Tomorrow

This has been a stressful week because of the elections, whichever way you voted seeing what's happening now (riots, hate, etc.) is so discouraging.  I want to yell "Why can't we all just get along"? even though that's way too simplistic for division of our country.

So I pick Keven up tomorrow.  I am elated, thrilled, excited because he's getting out of the rat hole filled with corrupt guards, drug dealers, deplorable conditions and disgusting food.  Did he deserve this?  No, not for being a drug addict.  But that's how we treat them.

Yes, I am bitter and so is he.  I think the worse part of this is how much he's changed for the worse.  He's aged, which sounds weird when talking about someone who is about to turn 26.  He's full of hate, anger....but towards me he is full of love and gratitude that I stuck by him.  I know a lot of moms do, I see it every visiting day, but a lot of parents don't.  I get that too, if he goes back, I won't visit as often.

IF he goes back.  I doubt that he will, in fact I would be shocked.  My concern is that he will die out here.  He's got a plan for himself that he thinks will work.  If it doesn't, he will go back to the traditional plan of rehab which has never worked.  He will be taking Suboxone which isn't allowed in treatment but has helped thousands.  He may be on it for the rest of his life and I don't care.  I just hope Trump doesn't make it unavaialbe to those with "Obama Care" because that's all the insurance he has.

I love my son so much, but I miss Anthony so much.  Keven is not a happy person and rarely smiles, he told me to please not expect him to be cheerful, he just can't do it.  I told him I don't expect anything of him other than honesty, following the "rules",  and helping around the house till he finds a job. Its sad.  I hope he can find some joy somewhere.  I wish Anthony could sprinkle some magic happy dust down on him.  That sounded so dumb, good thing not many people read here.

Bottom line:  Prison has taken a broken addict and made him worse.  It should be illegal to call it the Dept. of Corrections and Rehabilitation.  Its punishment.  I do know two other people in prison and one actually can take classes in parenting and anger management, but he waited over a year on a waiting list for them.  Its just messed up.

I met a guy...sort of.  A mutual friend introduced us but he lives outside San Fransisco which is 6-7 hours away.  We think we may be in love which is weird since we've never met.  He's a bit older than me(65), and the most wonderful guy ever, so respectful, positive, caring, fun, we are so much alike its crazy.  I don't want to hurt him which is my usual ending to every relationship I've had.  I told myself I was fine being single but if God wanted me to have a man in my life he'd have to drop him into my lap because I wasn't going tooking - and here he is.  We will meet next month.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara