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Sunday, October 2, 2016

Airing Out My Thoughts

Its pretty obvious that I write mostly when I am upset or depressed.  On my good days I don't have a need to air out my thoughts, but on days like today I do.

Someone I love very much, Kelsey, relapsed after over a year off heroin.  She was over here the day of her last Vivitrol shot (she was on it for a year) feeling like she was strong enough to stop relying on it to stay clean.  She relapsed and almost died.  IF SHE WOULD HAVE DIED I would have freaked out, lost it.  I'm not as close to her as Anthony (she was his girlfriend and one of Keven's best friends) but we are pretty damn close and it would be devastating to her family.

One of the groups I belong to that is local to where I live reported FIVE deaths in the last two weeks.  FIVE.  Four males, one female.  The oldest one was 27 (which seems to be some sort of bad luck number for death).  And like the young man who passed away about a month ago, several of these "kids" had been clean for a long time then used a couple of times and were GONE.

Keven gets out in 40 days (aprox).  I'm trying to think positive and not worry.  I can tell he's scared of relapse and told me, that if he goes out again - he will probably make it the last time (meaning if he uses again he will purposely OD and die to end the cycle).

I just hope he can make it.   I don't know what I'll do if he dies.  I've had visions of it for years.

I am also torn about whether or not to let him move home after he completes drug treatment via the treatment center I work for.  I'd say the majority of people I know think its a bad idea.  So then if I do let him move home and he dies - will they blame me?  Will it be my fault?  I've heard some very critical and mean things (said by strangers, no one I personally know) casting blame on the mother of a child who died of an OD.  Yet, I come form the school of thought that I much rather have him die at home and find him myself than get the damn phone call and never be able to touch him again.  I need to touch him if he dies, I need to!  One of the hardest parts of losing Anthony was never seeing his body, that one last look, touch, kiss.

Yesterday I had coffee (water actually) with a friend who I've been close with for 26 years.  It was glorious!  We laughed, we talked....there's something to be said about long term friendships where you know the whole history of the other person.   For 17 years I saw her 5 days a week at work, but since then its maybe once every year or two.  It made me realize how much I miss having a close friend.  She's got tons of friends and is one of those super busy people.  My other two closest friends moved far away....how do you make new friends as an adult?  I've met most of my closest friends at work but that ain't happening at this job!  We barely know each other.

Ok so now I am going to watch a Ducks pre-season game against the Queens (what we call the LA Kings).  Last pre-season game we lost to them.  BUT, pre-season means a lot of young players are out there for the first time, being tested to see if they stay in the NHL or go back down to the AHL to get more experience. DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T LET THE DUCKS TRADE HAMPUS, RICKARD OR CAM!

Lastly, my Macbook Pro which is 8 years old, has pretty much taken a dive.  I'm using it right now but its got major issues.  So I got a Chromebook which is basically a table combined with a laptop.  I like it.  It was under $500 so that was the selling point for me.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

2 comments:

  1. I relate Barbara. I am still struggling with my 30 years old "adults" who refuse to grow up. The stress somedays is simply horrible. So I am also in ned of wisdom. Pray that it may be granted to both of us.

    On the flipside, I like my Chromebook. Good for doing cloudstuff.

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  2. My heart is beating fast and I am scared to death reading your blog. When I hear about people relapsing after a long period of abstinence, it scares the shit out of me. My daughter is doing well...she's on suboxone maintenance, and is drug free. But, like you, I am terrified she will relapse and die. I don't know how to deal with these emotions... so I try not to think about stuff that hasn't happened. Lets just keep on praying and praying that God has a plan for our beautiful babies and that they will come thru this.

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