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Thursday, October 15, 2015

Don't Know What to Title this Post

Its been ten days since I wrote but it feels like it was just yesterday.  This month is going so fast, which seems weird to me, like it should be going slow.

Still struggling and crying a lot about Anthony.  People keep telling me that to grieve my way and that its different for everyone...I appreciate that because this is all so new to me.  Its not the same as losing a friend or a parent or a grandparent/aunt/uncle/cousin.  I've lost all those but never felt like this.

This may sound odd - but the closest thing I've experienced to this constant state of feeling "lost" is the end of a relationship with the one man I would have married (long story).  It took me two years to get over him and I felt a bit like I feel now, like my life was not right, something was missing, the pain of knowing it was over for good that no one could replace him, that he was so special no one could compare, that I'd never feel the same happy with him with anyone else. All of that has proven to be true and its been 15 years.

So one thing I'm waiting for is the autopsy report, toxicology report and police report.  I NEED to know.  I want every detail.  I have this need to understand his last hours.  From what the death certificate says I believe he was passed out so therefore didn't know he was dying, wasn't afraid or panicked or trying to get help.  That's a huge relief.  His heart failed due to his left heart valve not getting blood through which was most likely caused by methamphetamine and other drugs he may have had in his system.

I just looked back in my archives to see what I wrote about back in October of 2013 and here is part of it:



Anthony stayed clean for three weeks after getting out of jail.  Now he's back to the same spot he was in before he ever went in.  At least I had some quality time with him before the dragon awoke, but I should have had him give me a new tattoo while he was still not using.  Darn it, I hate paying for one since he does such a great job for free, I just want a tiny little one on my wrist that says:


Peace, Hope, Love



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, October 5, 2015

Which is What?

I am tired, depressed, unmotivated, don't really care about much of anything.  But I keep pushing forward doing only the things I absolutely have to do (like take care of the pets, the house, go to work).

Is this part of the grief or is it just run of the mill depression?  I take 2 anti-depressants you'd think I wouldn't feel like this so often.  Maybe they quit working.

There is NO FOOD in the house which will be a problem at some point (been eating leftover baked ziti for days...need to toss the rest).  I just don't feel like eating.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara