Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Anthony's Memorial Video

I am a so upset that I spent HOURS on this video (enough to give myself tendinitis in the elbow from using the mouse so much) and I used crappy software that will not allow it to be burned to a DVD.

I will have to show it on my laptop (15" screen).  I bought a cable to hook it up to the TV and it connected but would not allow me to open my browser to show the video.

But here it is to share with all of you.  For those that don't know, Anthony has a son named Josh (named after his best friend who died of an OD when they were teens - also seen in the video).  The ONE THING that Anthony wanted more than anything else in life was to be a good father.  Addiction is powerful.  He was never able to get to know his son very well.

Josh will be at the service tomorrow.  He's about 8 now.  I haven't seen him since he was 3.  Thankfully he has a great mom, step-dad and two little brothers.

Here is the video.  Can't even embed it....the link will direct you to the site.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, September 17, 2015

The Grieving Process

Thank you to the commenter who asked how I was.  I've tried to write something but its so difficult to put into words what I'm feeling.

To say I will miss Anthony isn't enough, its more than just missing him, its like he was a part of my day to day life and part of my future.  And I have to wonder about God and Fate and Karma and all that stuff because so many strange things are happening that seem directly related to his death.

And then there are the questions:  Why did we have to get even closer right before he died?  Was it so I could see the pain he was in, the sincere desire to change but the inability to actually do it?  But there were days where he was all pumped up about his future, he had a job, a place to live - but he didn't live long enough to get either.

Most people are familiar with the "five stages of grief" according to the Kubler & Ross:

I'm all over the map.  Today is depression.  Deep, numbing depression.  I go to work and do my job, I do my housework and take care of the pets.  I do what I have to do.  The rest of the time I either sit and stare at nothing, cry, or get online and talk to all his friends who are in this with me.  They've been the most helpful part of this process for me.  They understand better than most what our relationship was all about.  

Then there are the disturbing thoughts that keep entering my mind without warning, different variations of:  

"Would it hurt this much if Keven died?  Would it hurt more?  Less?  I will miss Anthony more.  No - that's wrong!  How can I think that?  I gave birth to Keven, of course I love him more...but we aren't as close.  Will losing Anthony cause us to grow closer?"  (then I am alarmed and feel like a terrible mother for even having these thoughts enter my mind).

I'm helping a little bit with the memorial - his brother wants to do most of the work which is awesome.  Considering his brother is also a heroin addict, and so is his gf, I hope they can pull it together.

Last night when I turned out my light to go to sleep my phone lit up for no reason!  There was the photo of Anthony (wallpaper).  There was no new text, call, email, just lit up for no reason at all.  I smiled,  I kissed his photo.  Then I rolled over and cried...I must look like hell every day but I don't care.

I know I'll get through this, I don't have a choice.  

Fake tattoos.  He would grow up to be covered in them - all done by himself.

His first love and the mother of his child (Josh is 8 and has a good life with his mom, stepdad and 2 little brothers.  Yes, Anthony is wearing make-up and pink nail polish.  That's how he rolled....sometimes.
Looking like a bad ass with his famous "God Called in Sick Today" tattoo, most likely high.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

A New Depth of Pain

just 8 days ago I wrote this here:

Speaking of Anthony, I am so glad he's in my life.  There were many times over the years I wanted to turn my back on (and did) but now he's a comfort to me.  I can see his sincerity in wanting to better his life, his struggles break my heart.  But we have fun together.  We laugh.  We talk.  He's affectionate and loving and appreciative - all things Keven is not.  If I try to hug Keven he goes limp and barely tolerates, Anthony gives bear hugs...and honestly that's the only human contact I have!  

today I write to tell all of you, he's gone.  Anthony died of an accidental overdose just after midnight on 9/7.

His grandparents called me immediately upon finding out and the three of us sat and cried, wailed, stared at the ceiling, etc. for several hours then they asked me to call his brother and let him know...hardest phone call of my life, and calling Keven in jail a few minutes ago was the second hardest.

Ironically, it wasn't even a heroin overdose, he had been clean for about a week and then he was with this girl driving to Colorado (he had a court date there) and apparently she uses methadone and Klonopin and he took both.  Someone found him dead in the rental car.

I feel like I'm going to explode, all this pressure inside me wants to burst out of me.  My Anthony.  I will always be so thankful for the last few months with him, they've been the best we've ever had.  I am also grateful that his grandparents recognize me as part of the family, we've grown close over the years and they know how much we loved each other.  They lost Anthony's mom 13 years ago to drugs, they raised him and his little brother, and now they have to endure this. I'm taking care of getting his body back here, etc. etc. etc. they are older - this is too much for them but for me, it helps to keep busy.  We don't want to, but we're going to have to cremate him because the cost of burial is so high, they live on a fixed income.  n
I am probably rambling.  I can't accept this - but its true, I have no choice.  I ache.

I may have to write more often for awhile to process this.

thanks for caring...
Picture is off Anthony and his good friend Gabriella who also never gave up on him.  She and I spent a half hour on the phone crying - not talking, just crying.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara