Monday, March 16, 2015

Peace - does it exist for parents of addicts?

Feeling very low today so I thought writing might help.  Keven is, of course, the source of all my depression, pain, fears. I have basically let him go "into God's hands", but its so hard not to take control and "force" him into yet another rehab or sober living and to shake him till all the rocks in his head fall out and he can think clearly again.  

At the moment he's at a detox hospital because he used in sober living and got kicked out. Thankfully he's an hour away so he can't just show up here when he gets out (at least not easily). My stomach hurts thinking about what he'll do next with no help from me. No money. No food. No shelter. No cigarettes (more important than food to him). No friends. The only thing he will have is a phone and a choice:  Use or seek help.

Even with him not here in the house causing stress and chaos, I still feel the burden of him, the wondering if my real son still exists somewhere inside the addict.  I can't relax today but I have no energy to do much of anything.  I'm applying for a job but its hard in this frame of mind.  Most days I can shake it - but I can tell today is not one of those days.  I will be happy if I can get to the grocery store at some point.

He's been threatening suicide for months and in recent weeks it comes up in almost every conversation. Last night he called to prepare me because he's "really going to do it" but needs me to send him money so he can buy the heroin to OD on. Its so sad. 

I kind of think he may do it. Some addicts don't make it. I've been told my "experts" that Keven is a very hardcore addict. Maybe death will be the only thing to bring him peace - but then what about me? Will I ever have peace with him dead? Or Alive?

It blows my mind that the heroin epidemic continues to grow - how hard can it be to stop the damn shit from getting into our country in the first place?  Is anyone even trying.  That would be a start.  Maybe if it was super hard to get (expensive) it would deter some people from starting or at least from getting strung out for years on end.

Not helping him is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - and I've been through some hard stuff over the last 55 years.  I must stay strong.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

We pay the price...

A wise woman I know said something today that was so true, the parent of the addict suffers far more than the addict.  Its unfair, but that's how it works.  I'm really feeling it today.

I kicked my son out and told him he was officially homeless and would get NOTHING from me other than paying for his phone ($50/month).  If he harasses me he will lose that too.  He's got his bike and a backpack of essentials.

He has gone so far downhill lately that he has to be close to the bottom, right?  I honestly don't think so because he has convinced himself that he's not using, that if only I would let him stay here he could get clean and sober.  Yes - you read that right.  It would be funny if he didn't really think that way.  Most of you know I've been dealing with this for over 7 years and at many points during that time he's lived here.

People kept telling me to kick him out with nothing and I refused.  I may kick him out, but I'd buy him food or even pay for a motel room now and then.  I have never been this bold, but I have gotten SO MUCH STRONGER in the last few months.  And to be honest, it was easy to make him leave.

Easy because he's not my son - he's some sort of heroin monster that is mean, has corrupted ideology, can't accept responsibility for his actions, blames me and others, is full of hate.  Somewhere inside that shell I see, is the soul of my real son, Keven.  I hope to see that person again someday.  I hope to see him humble, grateful and OFF DRUGS.

I've accepted that he probably won't be around long and will probably die before me.  He has health issues he's not addressing on top of his drug use.  He threatens suicide all the time.  But there is nothing I can do.  I tried loving him into recovery, I paid thousands of dollars, endured more stress, anxiety and fear than the average person feels in a lifetime, and I've lost part of my own soul in the process.  I am not, nor ever will be, the same person I was prior to his addiction.  Its not possible.

But, I will settle for some serenity, some peace, and I can get that if I work hard enough for it...kind of ironic that I have to work hard to achieve peace, but that's just the way it is.  I've accepted this.  I've accepted he may die.  I've been grieving him for years already - the only difference would be that all hope would be gone and I'd never see him again, or touch him, or hear him...but I don't sit around thinking of that.  I will deal with it if it happens.  I just pray it doesn't.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara