Friday, January 23, 2015

And Life Goes On....

I really need to write today.  Lots has happened since losing my mom.  Two weeks later her dog died of a broken heart.  We actually had her put down because she hadn't eaten in two weeks and was so weak she couldn't stand.  It was very sad.

Then the next week I lost my job.  Although its very upsetting to not have any income at all, I really think its best for now considering everything else that is going on.  I need to take care of my sister right now, she's not well physically or emotionally, and part of taking care of her is taking care of the house, the pets, etc.  I call myself her "wife" and am enjoying cooking and cleaning and being there for her.  But I do worry about her a lot.  I am going to demand that she a doctor :(

Lastly, Keven.  I know I have said this so many times over the years, therefore I don't expect anyone to take me seriously, but I am done.  I have thrown in the towel.  I have decided there is nothing I can do for him that I haven't already tried.  I'm not letting him live here again and I'm not going to help him anymore.

The one thing I have never done is:  nothing.  Its so hard for me to do nothing, but I owe it to him and myself to stop trying to do something that will change him.  He needs to be on his own, making his own decisions and taking care of his 24 year old self.

He's not the same person I raised.  I used to see the real Keven here and there but honestly its a very rare siting these days.  I pretended that he was wonderful at my mom's service, but the fact is he got high before and after.  Outwardly he was fine, looked handsome and was very appropriate, but I saw the blank look in his eyes.

He's arrogant, thinks he has control over me (why wouldn't he since he has for years) and seems to have little remorse for anything he's done and the large amount of money he stole the week my mom was dying in the hospital.

Currently he's in a rehab but may have to leave any day (for insurance reasons) and wants me to pay for the first month of sober living down here in South OC.  I actually said I would.  Then my sponsor told me I had a right to change my mind and tell him he's on his own and not give him a dime.  I am going to do my best - one thing for sure, he's NOT coming home.

My main concern is keeping him out of the house.  I spoke with a police officer yesterday (a really nice one) and he told me how I could use them to get Keven to leave if he comes over.

I have a feeling he's not going to ever "get better" but I hope I'm wrong, I miss my real son so much but am afraid of this one.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara