Monday, December 29, 2014

My Mommy

For those of you who may not read my FB page I have some sad news, my mother passed away yesterday morning at 6:15 am.

A few years ago I started to tease her by calling her "Mommy" like I did when I was a kid.  She's look at me with an expression that said "what's your problem?" and say "Mommy?!".  Recently I did it every single day and I think we both started to like it.  I know - weird,

For a 90 year she was a strong as some women half her age - no joke.  A few weeks ago she opened a 50 lb bad of steer manure to fertilize her lawn (it stinks for a few days, but we have the greenest grass in town).

She was cancer free, happy and doing her normal routine of daily gardening, cooking, cleaning and walking.  Then she had a stroke out of nowhere and was in a coma for 4.5 days.  Her brain went before her strong body, but eventually her hear and lungs stopped and she drifted peacefully away with her 3 children at her side.

Needless to say, I am very upset but am handling it okay.  Keven and I are giving the eulogy at her service (if he can stay clean for it).

While lying in the hospital we talked to her constantly for the first two days.  She never moved a muscle but occasionally would move her mouth or lift her brow in response to what we'd say.  We shared memories, teased her about her "boyfriend" (news anchor David Muir) and mostly reminded her how loved and amazing she was.  BUT WHEN KEVEN came to see her and said "Hi Grandma, its Keven" she lifted her entire arm off the bed and reached for him!!!!  We all just stared, they held hands for a long time and he put his bracelet on her and told her to keep it (something he wore 24/7) so she kept it on and will be buried with it.

Its just so weird.  The entire family (including Danielle, Wyatt and Alexa) were together last night and there must have been at least five times when I was looking for my mom and wondering where she was before I remembered.

So that's the latest with me.  Totally unexpected....yet again, the one person who saw it coming was keven.  He'd been telling me for the last 6 weeks or so that he felt like Grandma wouldn't be around much longer :(  They were incredibly close.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

My 3rd Week Off Work

Due to a broken foot that turned into a back injury, this is my third week off work.  In between doctor's visits, etc. I've had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to spend with Keven.

Knowing the "right thing to do" to help an addict is impossible.  There is no one answer, even though a lot of people think there is.  Its not a one size fits all solution.  Right now he's detoxing at home and I am here for him to support him through the chills/fever, body aches, vomit and other things.  I want to do this.  He has a few drugs to take (the same one's he'd be given to detox medically) so he's doing ok.  Last night after I washed his sheets and helped him back to bed he told me for the first time in years he felt proud of himself because he wanted this more than anything - to be done with it.

I know that doesn't guarantee anything and that he can wake up again today and use.  But I live in the moment now a days.  I don't live in the what-ifs or the fear or the resentment or the regrets.  I just live now and for this moment he's ok.

Our next step is to get him treated for the HIV.  His good insurance (PPO) ends this month and in January he will have an HMO for the first time.  I'm not sure how that's going to work for all his issues but we'll figure it out together.

As for me, I want to go back to work.  I am not getting paid.  I had a Workers Comp case but because of the added injury and me not knowing all the ins and outs of Workers Comp I may have screwed up my case and will have to pay my bills out of pocket and not get any pay for time off (I used up all my sick and vacation the first two weeks).

But, that will all work out too.  Money is the main stress for most people I know.  If I didn't have to worry about every dime, I'd take Keven to the best doctor and I'd not fret over every penny spent and wonder how I am going to get by on a smaller check.  But - that's life.

I guess I'm a little bit hurt that not one of my co-workers has contacted me to see how I am or to say they miss me.  They probably resent having all my stuff dumped on them at the busiest time of the year for a church.  I feel bad for that, but I also feel kind of like they are doing fine without me.

I hope you few that still read here are having a good Holiday Season.  Try to enjoy it and not be too stressed.  My family has a low stress holiday time and I am so grateful for that!

Lexi is almost 10 months old, she started walking (up to 15 steps at a time)!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara