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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Tired

I've been blogging since my son first started using.  It helped me through the four years, the last two I haven't had as much to say.

As I type this he's here but leaving in the next 2 -3 days for good.  After 60 days of sobriety, he relapsed the second he got out of rehab and into a sober living.  He's been given more opportunities and help than any addict I know.  Yet he still chooses heroin.

I made the mistake of letting him stay here for one night and its not been over a week.  I will never let him step foot in this house again unless its for a very short visit and he's clean.

Its not worth it anymore.  The toll its taken on my mom, sister and I is so unfair.  Part of me is dead inside.  My coping mechanism has involved to numbness and indifference.  I honestly don't care anymore.  He may be better off dead.  Though it would break my heart and devastate me in a new way - it would at least be closure.

I hope that's not the case, but I am prepared.

I'm done.  I've had it.  I've said those words a million times but this time I believe it myself so I know its true.



Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Manipulation, bullshit, etc.

So I guess I was na├»ve to think that everything was just peach keen with Kev.  It seemed too good to be true at this point in time.  

Let's just say he has to learn to grow up, accept that he can't always have his way, and that he needs to submit to authority even if he doesn't like it because we all do that in life.  He needs to stop thinking he's in control.

All I can say at this point is that if the phrase is true that we aren't given more than we can handle – I had reached that point and then Jeff entered our lives.  I could talk about all this stuff in the most eloquent convincing way, but it would fall on deaf ears.  When Jeff talks, Keven listens.

I just have to hope and pray he doesn't get pissed and walk out of there because if he does, I am turning my back on him., Hope and Love, Barbara


Monday, July 7, 2014

Good Stuff

Keven is doing good.

I feel, for the first time in years, that he may be done using.  There are several reasons for this and I won't go into them to protect his privacy, but the main thing that has made the difference this time is JEFF.  (Jeff is the guy that has committed to being Keven's mentor and sees him twice a week, takes him to church, talks with him, etc.)  Kev has never had anyone voluntarily take an interest in him and care about him on this level.  And Jeff just happens to be the perfect role model:  He has integrity, he's peaceful, calm, confident and a brilliant man.

So as of today he's still at rehab but is ready to move on to sober living.  He's been depressed, which sounds contradictory to what I just said about him doing good, but he's feeling it, and learning to deal with it and told me his program is the number on most important thing in his life right now and he will do nothing to jeopardize it.

I hope all of you out there are doing good.  Thanks for reading this.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The Main Reason I Don't Date

Oh My God.  I wish I had the guts to tell you the details of what my good friend is going through in her quest to find a normal, decent guy.  She is very naive compared to me and when she tells me some of the things these guys say or do I try to gently warn her that they may be lying, dangerous or perverted.  I wish I could say I'm always wrong, but I am usually right.

Every time a woman my age says something like "all the good men are taken" everyone jumps in and says "No they're not!  There's plenty of good single men out there still" (in their mid to late fifties?)

I'm sure great guys become widowed or get divorced every day but they seem to be assimilated into the dating pool and snatched up quick, because they are few and far between.

Seriously - do you know any single men age 50 - 60 that you would introduce to a woman you thought highly of?

This latest guy is talking about his sexual preferences before they've even had a second date to make sure she's up for experimenting.  He left his wife of almost 30 years cause he was bored.  I see red flags.  Other than that, he seems like an okay guy.  I really, really hope I am wrong this time, I want her to find a man that will be mutually in love with her because I know that's what she wants.

As for me...not so much.  As long as I have a male companion to hang out with, I'm fine.  If Mr. Wonderful comes along, great, but if not, no big deal.  Seriously (I can see you rolling your eyes - and yes I'm talking to you over there in Minnesota).

So please answer my question - do you know of any men, 50 - 60,  that you would introduce to your sister or best friend, etc.?




Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara