Thursday, June 19, 2014

12 Steps

Jeff called to debrief me on his latest meeting with Keven and Keven's therapist and case manager.  Bottom line - Keven needs to work the program, not just show up at meetings.  They also said he's one of the most manipulative people they've had there.  I don't know whether to cry or be proud (joke).  Of course he's manipulative, that's how they are all.  And to me, if he's the most manipulative, he needs a lot of help because its another wall he's putting up.

He needs to get a sponsor, and so do I.  I've only had one sponsor in the past and she was a lesbian (which didn't bother me) and was always making sexual comments to me and trying to pick up on me (which did bother me).  I realized it was the equivalent of having a male sponsor and they say never to do that.

I miss the old fun me.  I hope she comes back.  She shows herself here and there but lately its one thing after another.  But I do have an overall calmness about myself and when I really feel awful, I write here and get comments that help.

Annette, your comment on the last post was perfect.  Thank you!

  • Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable 
  • Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity 
  • Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God 
  • Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves 
  • Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs 
  • Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character 
  • Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings 
  • Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all 
  • Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others 
  • Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted
  • Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out 
  • Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs 
eace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Hopelessness, fear, anxiety

Just when I think things are finally going well for Keven, I find out that they are far from well.  He's still at the rehab but is on a behavioral contract and could get kicked out any day.  He's been disrespectful and full of anger....this is NOT my son.  This is a new Keven that's emerged in the last 6 months or so and I don't like him when he's this way, in fact he scares me.  That's how he's acting at the rehab.

But I know that anger is often fear turned inside out.  So much easier to act pissed off and rude than to be vulnerable and admit that you're scared to death inside.

We sold his beloved car and when he found out he was very upset with me for doing it without telling him first.  What's done is done.

He's not doing well health-wise either and told me he thinks he will be dead soon.

I'm sad.  Tired.  Luckily Jeff is still involved and still seeing him twice a week.  If it weren't for him Keven would have left the first week.

Also mourning the loss of a really great young man that was very special to me, especially in the years of 2009 - 2011 when I saw him often and he was SOBER.  Sadly he got back into drugs and died the day after Christmas 2013.  His parents found him dead on the couch.  Damn it.  Its getting closer and closer to home.

Sorry this is all negative, it seems that's when I need to write the most.

Oh, one last sad thing - Danielle, Wyatt and  Alexa left and now that they are in New York find out the husband is going to be in Afghanistan a while longer.  UGH!  I miss that soft chubby baby skin and that cute little face!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Went to an Al-Anon Mtg. this Morning

Jeff wanted to experience an Al-Anon meeting so we went today.  At the end they invite newcomers to speak so he shared and afterwards at least ten people came up to him and introduced themselves, and thanked him and said how powerful his share was.

In all the meetings I've been to, rarely has anyone spoken to me after a meeting.

But that's not the much as I hate to admit it, there is something positive about having a core group of people to walk through this shit with.  Jeff loved it - we're going back next week (so much for early morning yoga classes on Saturday!).

Today we are selling Keven's car, the one thing he begged us not to do.  Its really hard for me to go through with it, but it has to be done.  He didn't earn it, he doesn't deserve it and its time for my sister to recoup some of her losses over helping him buy it.

Having Jeff enter our lives is impacting me as much as Keven.  Its really weird.  Its like God knew that I would be too weak to make some decisions on my own so he gave me someone to take part of the brunt of it with me (Jeff is going to tell Keven).

Its all so weird and different, but good.

In other news:  My mom is really depressed.  She is suppose to have some continued treatment to keep the cancer from coming back (its not chemo but its given intravenously over a four hour period once a week for four weeks).  She can't afford it and I think she feels like she has very little to live for these days since she's unable to do a lot of things she used to do.  Its hard to watch her sit around depressed and somewhat angry.

Other news, she's leaving Tuesday.  I will not see her all weekend and will say goodbye to her on Monday evening.  The one true joy in my life (at this time) is moving across the country:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara