Saturday, May 31, 2014

Hello, Life, I've Missed You...

Life has drastically changed for me in the last 2 weeks.  Ever since Jeff stepped into Keven's life, a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and a new found hope and excitement has replaced it.

First of all, having Keven out of the house is AWESOME.  I love it.  Sure, I miss the deviant little rascal sometimes, but the real Keven hasn't been here in almost a year.  There's a peace in the house.  Its not perfect (perfect for me would be living alone) but its so much better.

Secondly, this new place Keven is at is GOOD.  They are treating the whole person and I can tell by things he's saying to me (he calls every few days) that he's growing as a person and developing a healthy outlook. Part of this includes not accepting responsibility for any of the things I have done to make him feel guilty.  For example, I rejoined yoga yesterday and when I told Keven he was very happy for me, but threw in "you can't blame me for the reason you stopped going".  I realized I had mentioned on several occasions that I stopped because I could no longer afford it because of him.  So even though that was hard to hear - he's right.  I could have stopped paying his car insurance and I could have afforded yoga.

They have made him the house manager!  That means he gets to hold the other guys responsible for cleaning up, etc.  How on earth they chose him for this, I will never know, but they said he has leadership ability - if that isn't a healthy self esteem builder, I don't know what is.

They are treating him for withdraws which is wonderful.  He still dry heaves/throws up often and he's taken to NOT EATING in fear of throwing up in public.  They called me and asked if he has an eating disorder - I said no.

Jeff is in contact with him almost daily and goes to see him often.  This is not the norm, but they made a special allowance for it because they can see what a huge asset it is for him to have a mentor and told me they wish everyone had a "Jeff" in their life (me too!).

As for me, I just feel lighter, freer, happier.  Yoga class last night was like a gift - my favortie teacher was substituting for the class and I learned new things about the human body - as I always do when she teaches.  Did you know that babies produce red blood cells in all their bones?  But as we get older the only place we produce them is in the sternum and the spinal cord.  One of many reasons to use deep breathing techniques and to take care of our spinal alignment!  Ha - she even said that if we did a certain pose every day for 10 minutes we'd never have to see our chiropractor again.  I only see my chiro at his house and its not for adjustments, but I've been it a healthy relationship?  No.  Its not even a relationship, its two lonely people who don't want to take the effort to meet anyone for something serious.  Hopefully that will change for me too.  But I'm just not there at this point.

I know this is a rambling l o n g post, but I just felt like writing today.  I have hope for Keven and hope for me and I can't wait to see what happens next.  Do I regret not kicking him out sooner?  No.  If I did it wouldn't have turned out like this.  I waited until the time felt right and then Jeff miraculously shows up in our lives and takes care of everything so that instead of living with his dealer and falling even deeper into addiction, Kev is getting better.

I've told him  he's not coming back home for a very long time, if ever.  He agrees.  This is a toxic environment for him and for us when he's here.

Only TEN MORE DAYS with this precious one.  I am going to cry my face off when she leaves.

Oh, and be sure to read Annette's post today:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, May 23, 2014


Jeff, Keven's newfound mentor, drove up there and they would not let him in to see Kev but they talked on the phone and Jeff calmed him down and thinks he will stay.  He is also going up to meet with keven in the morning.  This man is amazing

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He's Leaving

Not even five days into rehab, and he's going to walk out.  He called, I begged him not to leave, I gave him my best inspirational encouragement.  I got angry. I cried.  In the end he said:

"Mom, you know in your heart that I am never going to make it.  I'll never be normal.  I can't do this...."

I told him that NO I don't know that in my heart, I know the OPPOSITE.

But his mind is made up.  If he chooses to stay it will be a miracle.  I already had a miracle this week, so I don't expect another.  And this sort of cancels out the first "miracle".

There is nothing I can do.  I am just sitting here feeling very alone and scared and sad.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

She's Leaving Already

I've been writing here more because there are so many things I don't want to share on FB  but writing out my feelings and thoughts has become invaluable.  So here's the latest heartbreak that hit me like a ton of bricks when I came home last night:

My niece's husband is coming home from Afghanistan a month early and therefore instead of having Alexa in my life for another 2 months, it will only be 3 weeks!  We are all devastated, including Danielle.  (I don't think its a very good marriage).

I can barely stand to think about saying goodbye to our little Smile Maker.  Just when life was started to feel good again...another painful bump in the road.  I already miss her smell, her soft skin and of course her personality.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Peace, Quite, Clean Bathroom

I LOVE having Keven out of the house.  I love Keven.  But I hate addiction.  Finally, after all these years I am at a place to keep him from coming back.  My priority is my mother, and making whatever time she has left as enjoyable and stress free as possible.  She may be around for another few years (hopefully).

He called last night asking me to bring him a jacket.  I will drop one off for him on my lunch hour. Unfortunately instead of going out of state (original plan) he ended up 1/2 hour from home.  But nonetheless, he is not allowed to come here when he gets out even if he completes the program and is clean.  He needs 6 months clean in order for us to even consider him coming back - and by that time he'll either have a job and be able to take care of himself or be living the life of an addict on the streets.  His choice.

You all rock my world.  Thanks for sticking by me.  I hope to catch up on blogs soon.  I have so much more on my plate these days since my mom used to do so much around this house that now falls on my shoulders (who knew I was so spoiled around here all these years!)

I can't resist sharing more pics of my girl, she's leaving in July and I will be heartbroken:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Worn Out

Keven is off to another rehab today.
Someone from a non-profit is doing all the legwork for me, finding a place, checking insurance, etc.
Someone else is paying for it too.
All he has to do is GO.
If he refuses, he will leaving the house with a bag of his clothes and that's it.

I realize that he's been to so many rehabs and none have helped him stop - but I still think its the best option, IF they can get him on the right meds as well.

I am tired.  My body is hurting too which makes everything I do a struggle (neck, back)

He's not my son anymore - he's 100% addict.  I don't even see a glimpse of Keven in him.

I am excited to get my life back.  To regain control of things.  To not have to fight so hard daily saying "NO" and then eventually being worn down and giving in.

I am just plain worn out from it all.

This is a new chapter to MY life even if Keven's life is not affected by it.

The two things that make me (made me) happy are the Ducks and Alexa.  If you're following the Stanley Cup playoffs you already know the Ducks were eliminated.  BUT my Alexa is here for another month a half so I will love on her every chance I get.

Last night she was on my bed hanging with me and I got had her cracking up.  Is there anything on earth more precious than a laughing baby?  She's 3 months old now.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Missing Jon


Its been six weeks since Jon died.  I was really sad today thinking about him and the good times.  Then of course my mind went to the bad times.  I decided to drive by his house, like I do often.

Next thing I knew I was sitting in the driveway...then out of the car and in the back yard.  I decided to rescue a huge fern that was dying - so many hanging plants back there I wanted to take them all but didn't.  Then I decided to just check in case the side of the house was opened....and it was.

I went in and smelled the familiar scents of Jon....Camel non-filter smoke that had seeped into all the fabric.  I walked to his room and found this:

And the coffee table, and his box where he kept his syringes, etc.

He died surrounded by the things that defined his life.  He had some good years in between using, but in the end...heroin won, Jon lost.

I took a few things from his house, nothing valuable, just things that were meaningful to me, like a first place trophy for motocross from El Toro Speedway in 1972 and a little Buddha statue and his Dad's BWM hat from the actual Le Mans race.  Maybe I should have left that...but his cousins don't seem like they are in any hurry to get rid of his stuff or clean up his place.  It was disgusting and the yard he cared for so meticulously is full of weeds and dying.

Frans told me I could take what I wanted, maybe I will go back and rescue more plants.  I noticed all the really valuable stuff (72" flat screen, solid silver trophy cups, stuff like that) was gone.

I just needed to get this out.  It makes me so mad/sad that his life ended like this.  I wish I could talk to him one more time.  Darn him!  He's still making me mad when he's dead.  I feel like there will always be a little part of him with me.

 Back in the 70's

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara