Friday, March 28, 2014



I took today off because I needed a break and am getting my hair cut.  Keven was in the driveway this morning and it took me an hour to get him to leave.  I was so close to calling cops.  He's testing me to see if I am as strong as I'm acting and he's in for a shock - I am.  I kind of want to call the cops on him, it would at least get him off the streets.  He's at the stage where's trying to justify and make excuses - he even tried guilt and manipulation.  Then he gave all that up and told me he didn't love me anymore (is he 3 or 23?) and I said "that's fine but I still love you".

I'm angry because even though he's out of the house, he's still causing stress.

But what I really need to process is my thoughts on Jon.  Should I be more upset?  I am sad that his live ended this way (waiting to hear autopsy report) but it was sort of appropriate for the life he lived....

I met Jon in 1976 when I was dating a friend of his, Scott.  Jon spent months wooing me away from Scott and we truly did love each other.  We were together or four years.

At the time I saw his drug use get worse but never for a second had any idea he was using heroin.  No one used heroin back then!!!  Knowing all that I know now it explains a lot.

When I finally did break up with him (after breaking up and getting back together dozens of times) he followed me around for months.  I'd be at my new boyfriends house and Jon would be standing outside the bedroom of the window wanting to talk to me!  One time he even grabbed me and threw me in his truck and drove away but luckily my boyfriend jumped in the bed of Jon's truck and grabbed him by the neck and forced him to stop and let me out.

So, I can say that even though he had a lot going for him in many ways - he also had some issues when it came to being without a woman in his life.  He went from me to someone else, to someone else to someone else.....they all left him because of his on again off again heroin use.

Oh, and now that's he'd dead I can openly say that he was a freakin bank robber!  That's after we broke up but he still lived around here.  He robbed tons of banks, they nicknamed him the "blue-eyed bandit" because of is intense blue eyes.  He would use a mini-bike as a getaway car.  I forget how many prison terms he served but he had the FBI after him and everything.  All so he could get a few thousand dollars at a time to buy his beloved dope.  I believe he got caught for 5 but told me he robbed a total of 27, all in Orange County.

His poor parents.  Oh my gosh, they were the kindest people and I stayed close to them through all these years.  But their life was pretty much covered in a dark cloud because of Jon - their only child.  They moved here from The Netherlands so Jon could have a career as a professional moto-cross racer.  He was being coached by Roger de Coster!  Back in those days Mission Viejo was the place to live if you were into motocross, we had two huge tracks and both Jimmy Weinert and Pierre Karsmaker lived on my street!  It was a bid deal.  I still love the smell of 2 stroke engine oil...

Ok.  Back to Jon.

I was the one girlfriend that would always still be there for him when he needed someone to write to from prison, or whatever.  When he moved back here in Nov. 2012 I was so happy he was back in my life, that was short lived.  He turned out to be a negative, critical and bizarre.  He managed to stay off drugs until about 6 months ago.

My mom adored him.  Most women did.  He was charming and handsome and attentive and funny.  Very few people saw his dark side because he was a master at disguising it - and he even denied having it.  To this day he will not admit he hit me in the face once and it pisses me off that he went to his grave denying something that was a fact.  Does he think I would make that up!?!  He just said "I would never hit a woman" and maybe that was the only time, but it happened and he refused to admit or believe it calling me a liar!

His three American cousins will be here this weekend so I will most likely see them and go to the house.  I knew them while dating him and have gotten in touch again when Jon moved back here.

I think I feel angry because I will never have closure with him.  I will never get to say goodbye or see those intense blue eyes again.  I will never get to hear him say "you were right, Bar, I did hit you/use with your son/leave bank robbery evidence in your garage".

I feel like screaming.  He had left his very expensive mountain bike here and Keven took it, its probably been sold already.  I was actually considering taking up biking.


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Jon - Keven

The last two days have been tough, but important.  The timing of Jon's death and Keven leaving has me thinking about the parallels in their lives.  Both were only children - Jon's parents gave him everything he ever wanted and then some.  When he became an addict they never stopped trying to fix him by giving him fresh starts (buying him a business, cars, places to live).  He spent years and years in and out of prison, rehabs and then FINALLY got clean and became a drug counselor - only to get back in the cycle of relapsing.

I think we've been the same with Keven but on a smaller scale (and Keven is still young, this went on with Jon into his 50's).  So asking him to leave our home and saying that he can't come back until certain conditions are met seems to be the right thing to do.

If you know me at all you know I err on the side of being supportive and compassionate and understanding.  Well I think I should have switched gears several years ago, but I wasn't ready.  So it wouldn't have worked.  My few attempts at kicking him out ended in disaster.

But now, even though I am aware that he could go to prison or die, I am ready and so is my mom and my sister.  This is the first time we're a united front and all agree that he needs to stay away from us.  He used us, lied to us and stole from us one too many times.

Another similarity between Jon and Keven came to me when I was talking to Jon's long time sponsor today, Jim.  I had left a message for Jim letting him know that Jon had died.  He returned my call by saying "Well, he finally did it".  We talked for a while and he said that in his opinion (and this guy is the Director of Impact House in Pasadena so he knows what he's talking about) Jon was NEVER able to be honest with himself and therefore could not be honest with others or in a program.  This is so true of Jon.  He wouldn't even face truthful facts about himself.  For example - I mentioned to him about a year ago that he was the only guy that had ever hit me (he beat me up once when we were about 17/20 years old because he found out I had cheated on him).  ANYHOW, he refused to admit that he did it even though he remembers the entire conversation we had that night.  He said he has never hit a woman in his life.
Then when I confronted him two weeks ago about using with Keven he denied it completely.  I said I knew if for a FACT but he still refused to admit it saying "how could you accuse me of that, I'd never do that to you"

My last words to him were so unkind.  One of his last sentences to me was "Bar, I don't think you understand how much I've always loved you".  Its sad because I think that was honesty.  His cousins have always told me I was "the one" he never got over.  Yet, in the last year and a half instead of trying to have a relationship again, he constantly put me down for being "too big" and then wondered why I stopped coming around and tried to woo me back.

He died alone with his cat.  Thankfully his cousin (who has refused to speak to Jon for years) took Oliver and will give him a good home.

I am anxious to hear what the autopsy report says.  Even if the COD is something like a heart attack, all of us who know him know that it was a result of drug use.

I don't want Keven to die like that.  But I think that instead of being out there scared and worried about what to do next and how to get clean, Keven has hooked up with some bad people and they are paying him to do things for them. At least that's what I heard.  Ugh.

But I don't think Keven's problem is not being able to be honest with himself, I think its fear of feeling the pain that lives deep inside him, and the fear itself.

I just have to stay strong.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


The "friend" I talked about on my last post died this morning.  I will always remember him as he was back when we were in our late teens/20's.  Heroin claims another victim.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Numbing myself to get by....

I'm not using drugs or alcohol to numb myself, just my own mind.  I just can't allow myself to go "too deep" into my thoughts or feelings or I won't be able to cope.

Tonight I was going to ask Keven to leave because he stole more money from me (I'm not stupid enough to keep cash in the house, but I was stupid enough to forget to hide my purse and he took a credit card to get cash).  I had told him one more time of doing that and he was out.  But he beat me to it, when I got home he handed me a letter apologizing for all the hurt and pain he's caused us and saying that he was moving out.  He's very depressed and I can only hope he doesn't do anything stupid.....

The hardest thing is what this is doing to my mom.  She literally helped me raise him, took care of him with me since the day he was born.  She has 3 other grandchildren but I know Keven is her special one.  And here she is with cancer, suffering, and having to watch him destroying his life.  She can't numb herself as well as I can.  Its so unfair.

So then in the midst of this I get a all from Thom, Keven's dad.  I hadn't heard from him in years but had to call him the other day to alert him that he may be getting a check in the mail from Keven's insurance (his dad has him on his work plan because it doesn't cost him much to add one more to the family plan.)  We actually enjoyed talking to each other for once.  Sadly I think its because his son (he has an 18 year old) turned to drugs and other bizarre behavior (like hitting a cop to earn credits as a rapper - he went from being a surfer kid to a druggy rapper).  Anyhow, I hate to say this, but I think Thom finally realizes that Keven's drug problems have nothing to do with ME being a bad parent so he has more compassion toward me.  His son may be schizophrenic.  :(

And lastly to end my day on a "drug" note, I got a call from my former friend Jon's cousin.  I disassociated myself from Jon many months ago when I realized he was using again.  Apparently he's gotten to the point that he's half out of his mind.  His cousin called me to ask if I would take his cat.  I said yes, but unfortunately even though I love Oliver, he hates other cats so I can't keep him. I think I can find him a good home.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Nothing New, Just Venting Negativity

I'm definitely going through a "rough patch" in life, feeling defeated, regretting so much of my past.  I know better than to dwell on the past too much, but sometimes I do and wish I would have made better choices.

My mom's been really sick the last week, chemo has finally got the better of her.  Her white blood count is super high too - never a good sign.

As for Keven, he's still in rehab and hasn't called me since Saturday so I will assume all is well.  I am not ready for him to come home, I hope I will be by the end of his time there.

My job has also taken a turn for the worse but I won't bother getting into that.

And to top it off, my Ducks have lost their last three games putting them in the #2 spot of the League for the first time this season.  They are still #1 in their Division.  Hard to watch them play so well and home no less!  Oh well, its just a game (and my only distraction from real life at the moment).

Now that I've dumped all this onto my blog, maybe I can move forward and have a decent day :)
And of course, looking at this (my desktop at work) all day helps tremendously!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, March 7, 2014

He wants to come home

So much for being "happy" that he put himself in rehab because now he wants to come home.  I told him not to leave because he was not welcome here if he does.  I'm really not liking my life these days.

I just want to stay home today and hug my dog.

But...that won't pay the bills.

I'm so sick of this shit.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS He sounded "great" the other day because his counselor was in the room.  He HATES it there.  I was livid.  I lectured him.  Don't know if it did any good.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014


First a quick update on Keven:  He called the other day and sounded great.  It was a quick call, he asked how his grandma was and the rest of us, and said it was cold and there was lots of snow.  Then he had to go.  He sounded cheerful! Made me happy.  I'll just see what happens next.

I've tried to express myself here for the last 20 minutes.  I keep typing and deleting.  Each time I speak my mind I sound like I'm being a crybaby or that I'm not grateful for the good things in my life.  Its just so different from what I thought it would be like.  I've learned to accept the things I can't change - but I'm now realizing I may just accept some of the things I can change because I feel tired, stuck and .... I guess the desire for something better is less than the energy and drive it will take to get there.

Right now I'm watching a Duck's game, alone, while chatting online with other hockey nerds that are watching the game.  My mother is in the other room - she lost the rest of her hair today, she's feeling sick from chemo.  My son is up in the mountains at his 7th rehab in the last 5 years.  My sister is upstairs sleeping, she's got something wrong with her (I think fibromyalgia) so all she does is work and come home and go to bed.  Her doctor is trying to figure out what it is, in the meantime I treat her like I wanted to be treated when I was debilitated by fibro (and no one understood, unless they had it too).

I didn't think I'd be living here at this point in my life.  Having an unplanned child threw my life onto a completely different path and now I honestly don't think I have it in me to make any big changes.  DAMN! good save by Hiller!

Anyhow, rather than feeling stuck and depressed and lonely and fat, maybe I should just embrace life as it is, accept it and believe that maybe this is as good as it gets.  I look at my mom who had a fairly disappointing life, and here she is at 89 with cancer....yet has a good prognosis so will probably live much longer. Do I even want to live that long?  My main "fear" of dying is causing those I leave behind (keven, my sister) to hurt and miss me.  I'm not suicidal or anything like way, I just don't see too much to get excited about...other than the Stanely Cup play-offs!!!  And Alexa, and Keven being clean and happy, and my dog, cats and tortoise, and Bruce concerts, and my friends....ok I get it.

OMG!  3.3 SECONDS IN THE GAME, TIED SCORE AND HILLER SAVES US AGAIN.  We're going to have to do a flippin overtime.  I hope we win it before having to go into a shoot-out.  I need my beauty sleep.

So yeah, I feel better.  I am frustrated with my job right now, but once again, I have to accept it.

Ok so now we have 5 minutes to win this thing.  I gotta go....

Hiller, Hiller, he's the man - if he can't save this game, no one can!
Crap.  Now we have a shoot-out.  I guess I'll end here since I'm obviously watching the game and none of you probably care...

Phoenix House
Pat Moore
Able to Change
10 Acre Ranch
Above it All

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara