Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My blog won't let me post anything! It only lets me write here in the title. I just wanted to share the news: Just helped him pack his bags for Rehab. They come and pick him up and drive him up the mountain tomorrow! And I can afford it cause they are only taking what insurance pays! WILL SOMEONE PINCH ME - I MUST BE DREAMING.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Going to Rehab?

Yesterday Keven told me he hit his all time low.  I find it interesting that this time his low is completely internal.  He has all the outside comforts he needs, he even has a friend who's giving  him dope for "running errands" for him.  But he says for the first time ever, he just doesn't like heroin.  Naturally I am skeptical but I can see he's sincere (in the moment) so I think I found a place that will take our insurance.  He knows he can't stay clean at home and he has to go someplace.  I will know more later today.

In other news:  Its suppose to rain here this week.  California is in the midst of a drought that is going to get very dangerous if we don't get rain.  Of course if it rains too hard that means floods and mudslides.

Does it rain where you live?  Do you ever have drought conditions?  A lot of people move here because of the weather, its "nice" most of the time.  But "nice" is not good when it means it never rains enough.

Oh my gosh, just had a flashback of this!  LOVE this movie and the song :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, February 21, 2014

A Cup of Affirmation

For the last 16 weeks I've been meeting weekly with a "spiritual mentor" on my lunch break at work.  Its something provided by the church I work for, and its free.  And my mentor is a licensed therapy - so I really lucked out.  (I had to stop seeing Eric, the most wonderful therapist in the world, due to financial reasons).

So I saw her yesterday and after going through all the latest stuff and then for about five minutes she just sat there saying affirmative things to me and giving recognition to all that I am going through right now with my mom, another family member and Keven.  I've got a lot of encouragement on this blog over the years, but its rare that someone will just sit there and say wonderful things to you about how strong you are, and empathize with how hard it is, and acknowledge that life sucks sometimes and that its okay to admit that.  Etc.  Of course - I cried a bit.  It was like my cup had been almost empty and she refilled it for me.

So I'd like to attempt to add to your cup today:

Dear Special Person Reading This,

No matter how good or bad life may seem at any given moment - it always changes.  You are strong enough to get through the tough times, and you are aware and therefore appreciative of the good moments. Sometimes it may seem like  you sacrifice your own wishes for the greater good of your family and that can piss you off or make you resentful, but mostly you do it out of love because you're a caring human being that is willing to set aside your own needs when someone else has a greater need.  On the other side of that coin, you've learned to take care of yourself, you've learned the difference between helping and harming, you've let go of guilt and shame and ugly emotional crap that doesn't serve anyone - especially you.  I like you.  I think you're a cool person and I'm glad I know you.  You may not realize it, but you add a lot to the world around you just by being YOU.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, February 17, 2014

New Life!

I am thrilled to pieces that my niece, Danielle, gave birth to my great-neice, Alexa, over the weekend.  She's a precious gift that came into our family at the perfect time.  My mom needs something wonderful to focus on, and what could possibly be better than a baby!

Its really hit Keven hard that his grandma has cancer and a heart condition that is going to limit her time here with us.  This has forced me to really think about it myself instead of "dealing with it as it happens".   He told me the other day that it will be like losing a parent, and he's right - she helped me raise him from day one.  She's the one who gave him his first bath, she's the one that made him Halloween costumes and even dressed herself up to match him, she's the one that was there for all the big moments in his life, she's the one that watches Pawn Stars with him every day.

I hope she's around as long as possible.  The chemo isn't causing her too much trouble so far, but she does feel weak and tired.

MOVIE:  I saw American Hustle yesterday, liked it a lot.  May try to get in one more before the Oscars.

Other:  I realize not all babies are born healthy to parents who want them and are capable of caring for them.  My heart goes out to the grandparents out there that are raising their children's children.  You are heroes.

Lastly:  is she not ADORABLE????????????????????????????????

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, February 14, 2014

Which Movies Should I See Before Oscars?

Happy Valentine's to each of you.  This year my Valentine is my pet tortoise.  She makes me happy.  This is her sitting on my lap watching TV with a piece of kale on her head!

So, I've only seen one of these films so far, Dallas Buyers Club, and would like to see at least a couple more before the Academy Awards.

Which ones would you suggest?  I am NOT going to see Wolf of Wall Street - Keen saw it and said I would not like it.

American Hustle
Captain Phillips
Dallas Buyers Club
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street

Interesting fact:  Jared Leto and I had an exchange years ago and I decided I didn't like him.  But since he was wrong and I was right, I've let go of that :)

It was way back when blogging was just starting out and he made a public statement that "all Bloggers are arrogant" and said that they just liked writing about themselves and thought they were so interesting that everyone else would want read their blog.  I responded to that comment on a public forum and he saw it and wrote back saying something like "she obviously is one of them".

HA!  I scoured the internet and can't find it, I think it was back in 2001 or 02.  I had no clue who he was at the time, just that he was some punk kid actor.  

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Wow - thanks!

Thanks for all the kind words and welcome backs.  It made me realize all the more how much each of you mean to me.

WITHOUT A DOUBT I can say that what has helped me the most in this lovely journey of addiction is the support from our blog community.  I've grown to love many of you and your kids.  I still have my book that I keep names in so I can never accidently forget to pray for someone.

They say tragedy brings people together and its absolutely true.  Some tragedies (911, school shootings, etc) rock our whole nation and we grieve and mourn together then pick up the pieces and move on, never forgetting, but getting past that initial pain and shock.

Living with and/or loving an addict, however, is an ongoing day to day tragedy.  There are highs (no pun intended) and lows, moments of anger, hope, despair, desperation, fear...the list goes on.  Mostly negative feelings and thoughts.  A daily, hourly all encompassing horror.

But thanks to meeting others in the same boat - we share, we observe, we are encouraged, we LEARN how to cope.  We grow.

The knowledge that I am not alone in this, that people actually care about me and Keven, that the stories I share are familiar vs. horrifying, helps me more than anything else.

I just heard that Shirley Temple passed away.  Raise your hand if you grow up watching her movies.  I did.  For some reason when I think back, I recall a scene where she's sitting on the stairs moping about something and this man (her butler perhaps?) sat down and said something wise and wonderful to her.  I just loved that for some reason, lol.

Hope we all have a good day.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, February 10, 2014

I'm back

I need this blog and Keven can go jump in a lake if he doesn't like it (that's a polite way of saying what I'm really thinking).

I'm just tired.  I miss the comments of the people who still read here.  I miss having a place to vent.

My focus lately has been on my mom.  Her chemo starts today.  Its just so bizarre because according to the doctor she should be a very sick, possibly dead woman - but she seems FINE.  No symptoms.  The cancer is throughout her body and we would have chose no chemo because its slow growing, but there is a large mass pushing on her heart so its our only option to keep her around longer.

I just hope she doesn't get too sick from the chemo.

For once I'm glad Keven lives here because she won't have to be alone.  If she gets shortness of breath we need to call 911 immediately.

As for Keven - its hard to say how he's doing.  Part of me doesn't care anymore.

I'm mostly grateful for all of you who keep me going.

I'll leave you with a favorite quote of mine by Andy Warhol:

"They always say that times changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara