Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Last Post of this Blog

Last night Keven asked me to take my blog down.  He asked respectfully and it was our agreement in the beginning when I started writing about him, that any time he felt uncomfortable, I'd stop.  So here is my last post.

Before I leave I'll give one final update on my life and loved ones:

Keven is going to try detoxing using Subutex which should take about 7 - 10 days and he'll be "fine".

Anthony is in jail for a year, I went to see him Sunday for his birthday.  He turned 26.  He told me that he remembers the first time he went to county jail at age 18 (he'd been in juvenile hall plenty of times from 14-17, but this was real jail).  A guy told him "Look, kid.  If you don't stop using heroin now you're gonna end up like me.  One day you'll be 30 years old and realize you spent your 20's incarcerated - one of the best decades of life."  So very true, He'll have three years left of his 20's when he gets out next November.

My mom has her cancer surgery on the 26th.  I'll be updating on FB with any news related to her.

Me:  Several weeks ago I got together with a wonderful, amazing, handsome, fun, funny, sweet man that I had dated 6 years ago.  We spent the day together and had a wonderful time.  I'll just skip to the sad ending: he is also in recovery (alcohol) and has 14 months sobriety, I thought this might be a "plus" since he understands addiction and would be more empathetic than a "normie", but he told me that he could not continue our relationship because of Keven's active drug use....all the drama and bullshit that goes along with loving an addict or someone who loves an addict.  I don't blame him.  He did what was best for his own sobriety and I admire that.  So he's missing out on an awesome woman and I'm missing out on an awesome man all because of Keven's fucking heroin addiction.

So, I will continue to stay strong when I can, reach out to friends when I can't (usually every day to my two special girlfriends who also have a "Keven" in their life).  I will take care of myself and become a better person.  I will not give up hope on romance and love.  I will not allow my life to be hijacked by Keven's issues.

Most of all, I will still be around quietly reading your blogs and daily doing my "prayers" for each of you and your kids.  If I get ambitions, I may learn Wordpress and start a new blog.  If I do and you want to know about it leave a comment and I'll let you know when and if it happens.  I'll leave this up for a few days and try to post one last Christmas photo of me, Sugar and Tortie in our holiday attire  :)

Lots of  Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

More family news...

Yesterday we found out my mom has cancer.  Its in her lymph node(s) but we are not sure what type until after the surgery.  She's not sick at all so I am hopeful that its the least invasive kind.

My mom is 89 years old and didn't bat an eye when the doctor told her, in fact she smiled and said "Oh, I've beat it before I can do it again".  And she believes this 100%.  I do too.  13 years ago they gave her 5 years to live - but "they" don't know my mom.

Most people can't believe she's 89 because she's so active and doesn't act like an old lady.  But, she is an old lady.

Its funny how its easier for some of us (me) to be strong about our own diagnosis but full of concern and worry for someone we love.  I recently went through a mammogram scare - which turned out fine - and I never got too rattled over it.  But I've had knots in my stomach for a week waiting to hear about my mom's biopsy.  I will be, and am, the strong one in the family.  We will get through this.  She's going to be fine.  I just know it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Narrow minded? Not Compassionate? or just Ignorant?

Was reading an article on HuffPost this morning about addiction and one of the comments stuck out to me:
"I'm tired of being soft on this subject. Its called survival of the fittest, if you are a druggy and refuse to get help, then by the laws of mother nature you remove yourself from the gene pool. Good riddance.
I have no sympathy at all, get help, if not, you will die, period.
Is that clear enough for you?
8 DEC 1:02 AM"
Makes me wonder how many people have this attitude toward addicts.  I know many do.  It used to anger and hurt me.  I'd want to explain addiction to the person but mostly I wanted to say "I hope you never have to learn first hand what its like to watch someone you love get addicted".

The stigma is still there, I think maybe its getting a bit better.  But there will always be those who just don't get it and/or just don't care.

Yesterday Keven turned 23.  Thankfully it was uneventful.  I got a wonderful surprise last night when I showed up at my brother's house - my niece & great-nephew (who I knew would be here sometime this month) was there.  I was SO HAPPY to see them.  My mom and Keven knew they'd been here since Thursday and kept the secret so my sis and I could be surprised.  They'll be here for 8 months while her husband is in Afghanistan.  The best part - we're getting a baby in February!  A GIRL!

Danielle has always been more like a daughter to me than a niece.  I love her so much and wish she could live here forever.  And for those of you who've known me for awhile - you know how close I am to Wyatt who is 11 years old now!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Nelson Mandella

I was at work today when I got the news about Nelson Mandela.  Of course its not shocking when a 95 year old person suffering from illness dies, but I still let out a loud gasp - more out of that instant feeling of grief and sadness.  He's someone I've always had a great deal of admiration for;  someone who suffered but could still laugh and smile, someone who made a difference not only for his own country, but for many counties that suffered from various types of injustice.

After hearing the news I wanted to see what Bono had to say.   They knew each other and Mandela had been a huge influence on Bono.  Here's a link to what he had to say:  The Man Who Couldn't Cry.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of my father's death back in 1975, then Sunday John Lennon's in 1980.  Also lost a close friend and a cousin, both to suicide in December.  But one happy thing happened - Keven was born on 12/7/90.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

End of the Year Questions

Four weeks from today it will be the last day of 2013. I've always taken some sort of personal inventory at the end of each year to kind of analyze what kind of year it was and how to make the next one better. I found these questions on one of my favorite sites, MindBodyGreen. I'll take some time to think about these things over the next four weeks. When I do something like this the most important thing I look for is patterns and repeat offenders and also for GROWTH. I know I'm growing, but with growth often comes growing pains that are unavoidable. I know many of you can relate.

25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before the End of 2013
1. What am I most proud of this year?
2. How can I become a better _____________?
3. Where am I feeling stuck?
4. Where do I need to allow myself grace?
5. Am I passionate about my career?
6. What lessons have I learned?
7. What did I my finances look like?
8. How did I spend my free time?
9. How well did I take care of my body, mind, and soul?
10. How have I been open-minded?
11. When did I feel most creatively inspired?
12. What projects have I completed?
13. How have I procrastinated?
14. In what ways can I re-structure my time?
15. How have I allowed fear of failure hold me back?
16. Where has self-doubt taken over?
17. When have I felt the most alive?
18. How have I taught others to respect me?
19. How can I improve my relationships?
20. Have I been unfair to anyone?
21. Who do I need to forgive?
22. Where is it time to let go?
23. What old habits would I like to release?
24. What new habits would I like to cultivate?
25. How can I be kind to myself?

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara