Blah. That's how life feels these days. I love my son so much, its painful to see him suffering with not only addiction but depression and major anxiety. He's even starting to hallucinate again (so he says) like he used to years ago.
I don't know what came first - the depression, anxiety and panic - or the addiction. Either way both have taken their toll on him and the rest of our little family.
I cycle between anger, fear, compassion and numbness. Anger is my favorite because when I'm pissed off at him, I just don't care what happens to him. But its also the most rare for me. Somehow I have an overload of compassion (like I got too many doses of it in my genes and can't help myself from feeling it). I used to think of it as a positive, now, not so much.
Okay, I just spent ten minutes sitting here staring at the screen kind of in a daze. I guess that's the end of this post!
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
PS Anthony stayed clean for three weeks after getting out of jail. Now he's back to the same spot he was in before he ever went in. At least I had some quality time with him before the dragon awoke, but I should have had him give me a new tattoo while he was still clean. Darn it, I hate paying for one since he does such a great job for free, I just want a tiny little one on my wrist that says:
Peace, Hope, Love