Monday, October 28, 2013

Obla di Obla Da...

...Life Goes On

Blah.  That's how life feels these days.  I love my son so much, its painful to see him suffering with not only addiction but depression and major anxiety.  He's even starting to hallucinate again (so he says) like he used to years ago.

I don't know what came first - the depression, anxiety and panic - or the addiction.  Either way both have taken their toll on him and the rest of our little family.

I cycle between anger, fear, compassion and numbness.  Anger is my favorite because when I'm pissed off at him, I just don't care what happens to him.  But its also the most rare for me.  Somehow I have an overload of compassion (like I got too many doses of it in my genes and can't help myself from feeling it).  I used to think of it as a positive, now, not so much.

Okay, I just spent ten minutes sitting here staring at the screen kind of in a daze.  I guess that's the end of this post!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS  Anthony stayed clean for three weeks after getting out of jail.  Now he's back to the same spot he was in before he ever went in.  At least I had some quality time with him before the dragon awoke, but I should have had him give me a new tattoo while he was still clean.  Darn it, I hate paying for one since he does such a great job for free, I just want a tiny little one on my wrist that says:

Peace, Hope, Love

Monday, October 21, 2013


Its been a year since I started a yoga practice and I must say:  Its been life changing for me in several ways:

1) It got me out of my house and around other people 4 times a week.  I am usually a recluse more or less so this was a huge step.  I've met some really cool people and have a bond with my fave yoga instructor who also does "healing work".  She can sense in class when I am struggling with something internally and always takes time to come over and rub my forehead or something while we're in Shavasanah .  Sadly, I had to quit the yoga studio due to finances because I was not able to go as often and because its become so popular that sometimes classes are so full its ridiculous.  I am still doing it at home.

2.  Breathing.  I have become aware of my breath and how it works and what it does to center me and keep me calm and energize me, etc.

3.  My body has never been so flexible.  I am constantly aware of my body, how I am sitting, walking or standing.  I do stretching all day long for any area that needs it.  I appreciate my body more than ever.  I still have very inflexible muscles that I work on daily, but overall I feel looser and more open.

4.  Meditation.  I don't meditate daily but when I do, I can sense the difference immediately.  There really is a peace and serenity and overall feeling of "I can do this" when facing a new day even if circumstances are not ideal (or blatantly suck).

I do mostly Yin yoga and gentle yoga because that's what suits me.  I am there for the lengthening of my spine and the opening and freedom I get in my body.  I don't care if I can ever stand on my head or look like a pretzel, that's not important to me.  Anyone (even a fat person in her 50's) can benefit from yoga.

I understand why so many rehabs offer the residents yoga, I wish I would have discovered its benefits much earlier in life.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
Sugar in Shavasana

Black Jack in Deer Twist

Friday, October 18, 2013

Nothing New

Last weekend Keven stayed home to "kick".  It was fairly mild since he hadn't been using daily and has Suboxone.  I'll never forget the first time he went through it, I was so naive at the time and had no idea what a powerful, physically addictive drug heroin was.

When I researched "heroin withdrawal" I was scared to death, but even the horrifying descriptions I read didn't prepare me to watch him go through so much pain and discomfort.  It was ugly, but he made it through.   I think it took at least a week (maybe more?) to get it completely out of his system.  Of course, it wasn't long before he was using again.

I'm at this weird place of son is an addict.  My son may never have a "normal" life.  My son may never stop using.  My son may spend the rest of his life in and out of jail and/or rehab.
BUT...maybe he won't.

I still pull out my little pink book almost every day and read/pray through the names of the addicts and their parents/loved ones.  I'm glad we're all still here and I'm so grateful for the ones that seem to have moved on to a "normal" life :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, October 7, 2013

A Friend Lost Her Daughter

On Saturday night I was on FB and saw that my old friend from high school had suddenly lost her daughter (age 31).  The cause of death was a pulmonary embolism  She was a single mom raising a precious 6 year old daughter and living with her dad and his wife.  Her dad came home from work Friday, she was dead and her daughter was there with her.

I can't stop thinking about it.  It also makes me sad that I didn't stay friends with her since we had so much fun together when we were younger.

Kerry was one of my best friends in high school,  so was her sister and her 2 brothers.  I practically lived at their house.  I got in a lot of trouble with Kerry - we were the wild ones of our group.  But also lots of great moments just lying on the floor listening to music ... Zeppelin, Jethro Tull, Elton John, Pink Floyd....  Good times right up until the time she started dating my ex boyfriend and I started dating hers (and named my son after him even though he is not Keven's dad).  That sort of ended our friendship even though by that time she was married with three kids.  She was mad at me for using that name.  Seems so silly now in light of the heartache of her oldest daughter dying.

So sad.  Her brother asked if I wanted to drive to Utah with him to the memorial but I had to decline.  If it was here, of course I would go.

In other news, if you read my FB update today you saw that Anthony took me to have a massage and then out to a nice lunch.  Pretty impressive since this is the first time he's ever been able to pay.  It was really special.  I can only hope and pray he stays on this solid path and for once he can move forward and use his gifts and talents and personality to succeed.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara