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Sunday, September 29, 2013

Ignorance is Bliss

I miss writing here, but as I've mentioned before - I can't seem to get myself to do it.  Its not that I have nothing to say, its just me.  Part of me died and I can't seem to get it back.

By the title of this post you may get the hint that after what I thought was a year of being clean, he's using again.  I knew for awhile before I actually said anything to him because I kept waiting for the "shit to hit the fan" but it hasn't.

He's going to work, doing all the stuff he should be doing.  He's still sociable and friendly.  Its like he's not even using, but he is.  He buys some every time he gets paid and makes it last as long as he can.  He's still on Suboxone, but you know how it is - he's figured out the days to skip he Subs then he uses, then when he runs out of dope he has the Subs to keep him from getting sick.

What am I doing about it?  Nothing.  I am doing nothing.  I can't go back down that road.  If he loses his job he's going to have to leave.  Oh, and the reason he started using at work was because they hired another guy his age who just happens to use heroin.  Lovely.  Every week they tell each other they don't want to do it any more, but the always do.

So, he never got to one year clean like I thought.  He got 9 months.  His Sub doctor knows he's doing this.  I know it, my sister knows it, my mom does not know it.  Part of me just says "go ahead use your fucking dope just don't let it affect my life anymore".  It is kind of fascinating that he's been doing this for months and other than having no money, there have been no other negative consequences.

Maybe he should move to Amsterdam where you can legally use heroin and therefore don't have to break the law to afford or possess it.  Proof that its not necessarily the drug that ruins your life, but what you have to do to get the drug.  According to Keven, its more expensive these days then it was a year ago.

Will somebody just shoot me?  Ugh.  Seriously, I'm okay because I'm choosing to hang out in denial for awhile.

My new pet.  She's a  Red Foot Tortoise.


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara