Sunday, November 11, 2012

Some Addicts Never Stop Using, Do They?

Just got back from the hospital.  Anthony is in there with renal failure and liver failure, in and induced coma, with a breathing tube down his throat.  This is the THIRD TIME I've seen him like this.

I think he is the addict that will keep using till he dies.  He will never know what "normal" is.  He will never be sober long enough to figure out that he actually can stop using.

For the last 8 months he's been in jail.  He got out two weeks ago and was suppose to come see me within two days of his release.  He never did.  We all know what that means.

And for some reason, like Keven last time, he was using meth instead of heroin.  That stuff will make you psychotic - which is why his friends brought him in, he was out of his mind and uncontrollable.

Anthony is such an amazingly talented person with a great personality, good looks, intelligence ---- it just kills me to see this pattern over and over.  What does it take for someone like him to stop?

Keven went with me to visit him.  Of course Ant didn't know we were there.  They aren't close like they used to be, Keven knows he can't be near him.

Shit.  I just don't want him to die.  I don't know what the answer is.

Peace, Hope and Love,

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Mind, Heart, Gut

Wow, I miss all of you!!!!!  Special shout out to Annette who is home sick, and enjoying some rest.  Hope you feel better soon.  I am home sick too and I think I've gone through three boxes of tissues, and two bottles of Nyquil (I just chug some out of the bottle before bed).

ANYHOW...was just sitting here thinking about a friend who's currently not communicating with her addicted son.  Its definitely the right thing for her to do right now.  I've realized that there are no absolutes in how to deal with an addicted child.  So much of what is right, goes against the very core of our nature as parents (especially moms - Tori said something on FB today about how our children are the only ones to hear our heartbeat from the inside, that's special).

But its so important to be connected to a support group.  Our blogging community has been my support group for the last four years.  Without all of you, I would have been following my heart all this time, and that's DANGEROUS.  We need to listen to wisdom, experience and then follow our gut.  Emotional responses don't work for addicts, it harms more than helps.  But with the right combination of head knowledge and parental instinct - you can determine what is best for your child.

Keven is almost 22 years old (12/7) and has been living here at home for the last three months.  He's doesn't have a job, he's still very paranoid, he has trouble sleeping, but he's NOT USING.  My instincts told me what he needs right now is love, support and a safe place; so that's what we're giving him.  He's taken up fishing as a pass-time and he also helps my mom and aunt with things they need done around the house.  He's not asking for money, he doesn't have or want a cell phone or a car, if he does go over to his friend's house he's home early (10:00 or before).  Its not the perfect situation, but for now, it feels right.

I look at him and see that at age 22, he is still so young and inexperienced at life.  I also wonder if he's done permanent damage to his brain when he went through the bath salts phase...and the meth.  As horrible as heroin is, its not that damaging to the body as many other drugs and alcohol are.

As for me, I'm doing good.  Taking care of myself.  All that good stuff.  For some reason its very hard for me to read blogs, its like it hurts too much so I avoid it.  But I still have my list that I look at and "pray" over.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara