Friday, October 26, 2012

Never give up hope.

All addicts have self destructive behavior, but if there was a scale of 1 - 10, Keven would be a 10 plus.  Right now he's doing very well, its like having my real son back.  

I know its only been two months, but I am allowing myself to feel good, hopeful and happy about his sobriety.  It could all come crashing down, but then again, maybe it won't.

What did it take for him to get where he is today?  I don't know for sure, but I think almost dying this last time really got to him.  I think he realized there is no such thing as a "friend" that uses with you.  Drug buddies are not friends, they will dump you and call 911 if they are decent human beings, but before they make that call they will steal all your stuff as you lie in the gutter turning blue.

He's been through a lot (see below) and I think some of these things helped him get further down the path to wanting to end the drug life.  Everyone is different.  Some people need to go to meetings every day, some do fine without NA or AA (although I think that's rare).  Some respond to treatment, some don't.  Some get scared straight in jail, most just get acclimated to it.

I still pray for the list of addicts and their parents that I have had in my "little book" for years.  Some I've lost touch with, but I still care and always will.

I don't think one size fits all in recovery.  I see Keven doing it his way and it seems to be working for him so far.

History of Rehabs, etc:

Drug Treatment:
- Phoenix House, court appointed, completed 90 days
- Cornerstone, we spent thousands on this place.  He completed 90 days but relapsed there when he moved to the next phase:(
- Unidos, court appointed, 90 days
- Unidos, private pay, ?? 60 days?
- Able to Change, left after 2 weeks and several thousand dollars
- Pat Moore, left after 2 weeks
- 10 Acre Ranch, 30 days
- Plus two Sober Livings that lasted a week or two each

He's been in the Mental Health Unit of the hospital for several 5150's and once for ten days after a serious bath salt-induced psychosis.

He's been in the regular hospital too many times to count, for OD's, infections, etc.

He almost died twice, that I know of.

And then there's jail time.  I just counted it up from a doc. his attorney sent me (yes, thousands of dollars went to her as well).

He spent a total of 344 days in county jail from June 09 - July 12.  (holy crap that's almost a year)

He lived "on the streets" twice, but I admit I kept buying him food.

Never give up hope.

Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, October 8, 2012

Constantly Changing

I just read what I wrote a couple of weeks ago.  Hmm, I was obviously pissed off at boyfriend and now it seems silly that I got mad for such a dumb thing.  Things are fine with him.

Annette wrote something on her blog today that reminded me of a quote my therapist shared with me last week:

 "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding." Kahlil Gibran. 
"I would add that for for shell to break, there is no avoiding pain. This kind of pain is not something to endeavor to avoid."  Eric

He also told me that I was stuck lately and not growing as I had been.  That hurt, but it was true.  I am working on this, on not avoiding pain, on getting through it and doing the right things even when it hurts or is difficult.  I feel myself growing again.  I feel a certain sense of freedom.

One thing I realize is that I'm not taking time for myself like I had been.  I'm not meditating or writing (here or in my journal).

Eric also recommended a book to me, "Clear your clutter with Feng shui by Karen Kingston". He said to ignore the Feng shui stuff.  Its just a little book and is about how cleaning physical clutter from your life helps your in other areas as well.  I didn't think it would apply to me because I am a minimalist (I've lived in a master bedroom for the last 21 years!  I've had to be).  But it totally applied to me in the fact that after doing some de-cluttering, I feel freer and lighter.  I spent most of the weekend getting rid of stuff and super cleaning.  I still have a few more things to do but need Keven's strength to lift boxes into the top of my closet (all the photo albums of his childhood neatly put away in a plastic container).

Speaking of Kev....I can't even tell you how normal life feels right now.  He's been happy, calm, silly, helpful, fun....who is this person living in my son's body?  OH!  Its MY SON!  He may have an opportunity as an apprentice for a mechanic....and the last two days he's worked on detailing a boat down at the local harbor (his friend hired him to help him, he does boat detailing and makes a lot of money because its hard work).

Hey, as I typed this "Born to Run" came on the radio.  Less than two months and I will be seeing Bruce again.  I saw this photo of him on FB and someone said this was him and his wife Patti.  Hello!  That is NOT Patti!  Patti is tall and thin and doesn't look a thing like that woman.  I think she was photo-shopped in (why?) because it looks like he's not even aware she's there and they are not walking together.  How stupid.  But, Bruce makes 63 years old look pretty damn good.

Bruce Springsteen is joined on the beach by his wife Patti Scialfa, after a day of stand up paddle surfing, on a warm day at the Jersey Shore.

Bruce Springsteen is joined on the beach by his wife Patti Scialfa, after a day of stand up paddle surfing, on a warm day at the Jersey Shore.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara