Friday, September 28, 2012

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I've ignored you, but you know how I've been lately.  I've been isolating myself from just about everyone and barely even able to communicate with my closest friends/family.  Ugh.  Its really weird.  I'm sort of depressed, but its not a typical depression, its different this time.  In evaluating the situation I can see a few things that are happening out of the ordinary:

- Keven is doing well and we are all enjoying having him live here
- I am doubting my feelings for my "boyfriend", its as if my eyes have been opened and I can clearly see how, once again, the appeal was more in having someone in my life than in the actual person
- My finances are a disaster

But other than that, nothing is different to make me feel this way.  Is this what MENOPAUSE it all about?   And why is the word "MEN" used in this term to describe what happens to a woman at this time in life?  Plus, I'm not even IN menopause - I'm still, well you know...

I miss my blog friends but can't bring myself to read or write or keep up.

I just want to be alone all the time.

I put on a happy face for work, and actually feel pretty good at work.  I guess cause I'm busy there.

Hopefully this will pass and I will get back to being me again soon.  I'm sick of this shit, ya know?  I just want a little joy.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Good_ShepherdP.S.  Oh yeah, check this out - Keven got a letter in the mail yesterday from a CEMETERY saying they had found his wallet on their grounds and they are holding it for him.  Trip!  The cemetery just happens to be next to the hospital that he was taken to when they found him at the end of August.  I think his "friends" tossed it there.  All his stuff (minus the money of course) was still in it.  I have to admit, it was a bit creepy seeing a letter from a cemetery addressed to my son! 

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Things are Okay

I'm still in my "quiet" mood.  Life is calm and peaceful right now.  Keven is content to be home and rest and recieve lots of love.  He's been quiet too.  With my quiet comes a little  depression, nothing serious.  I think I have the "birthday blues" which I get every year at this time (mine is 9/25).

Still can't seem to write anyone, leave comments or be much of a friend.

Oh - this will give some people a chuckle...once again I've written Anthony off.  He's in jail and did something that reminds me he still hasn't changed.  I have no room in my life for him right now.  Keven gets my full attention (which in reality isn't much attention, like I said, it very quiet around here, very mellow, I like it).

Thanks to all of you who've checked up on me.  I'm fine :)  I hope the desire to write/read returns soon.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Pink Cadillac

Just heard that song on the radio, its a fun upbeat Springsteen song.  I have a t-shirt that says "My love is bigger than a Honda, bigger than a Suburu"which is a line from that song.  I like wearing it because every now and then someone will see it and know what it means.  :)

Things are peaceful at home, Keven is recovering and so far its going well having him here.  Not sure what the next step will be, taking things one day at a time right now, that's all I can handle.

Nothing much else to say at the moment.   Trying to get out of this gloom.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

He's Home

His doctor called in a specialist and the specialist downgraded the seriousness of the situation and sent him home.

He has two weeks at home to figure out his next plan.

I am very tired, weary, depressed and sick of all of this.  We're now in year five.

Sometimes I can muster the energy and attitude I need to take care of myself, to stay positive and all that, but not now.  Now I am weak and I don't care about anything.  I just want it to end.  I want him to want to work hard to have a better life, but me wanting him doesn't do a damn thing.  He has to want it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS  I probably won't write much here for awhile.  I feel like blogging is a two way street and that I have no business writing if I can't read and comment on other blogs....and I just can't seem to go there right now.  I'm going into hibernation.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Latest News

Keven is still in the hospital.  The dr. told me he was possibly dying because he had sepsis, but he's getting better.  I  am just tired of it all.

I feel bad for not keeping up with blogs.  I've been using FB instead of blogging because its just easier but so much less personal.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara