Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Give Up

A lot of you are on Facebook and already know this, but for those of you who don't:

He OD'd again.

Was on life support, in the hospital as a John Doe.  When he was finally able to speak he told them who he was and called me.   I hadn't seen him in two days so knew something was wrong.

I don't have much to say.   I'm reading your blogs but not commenting.  I just feel like hiding for awhile.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Pammie's Comment

I got lots of comments yesterday and I appreciate every single one of them.  I wouldn't share things if I didn't want to hear your thoughts, that's what blogging is all about.  Pammie has a special kind of wisdom because  she's lived through addiction from every angle possible.  The comment she left really got to me because this is exactly how I feel (I just didn't know how to put it in words):

Barbara, my two cents....and what I always say :-)Non addicts believe that something they do or don't do will change the addict. Closing the door to Keven will not force a change any more than opening it. We poor out love on the addict when we have it to pour. When the crap starts again then we close ourselves for our own protection. A person can do this for a long time....until they can't.Our addicts "using time" is usually our "resting up" time.If your motive is "I want to pour some love on my son" then pour. If your motive is "I want to make him change" then you're in for heartbreak. Having said all Mothers we ALL...ALL of us, do the best we can in the day we have.Period.
My motive is that I want to pour some love on my son.  I have no expectations and of course by now I know that love isn't going to change anything, but I think we both need some.  Every chance I get for this, I take it because someday he may not be around to love.

I can tell its hitting him hard this morning and I am going to discuss medical detox with him.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, August 20, 2012

Feeling Calm

I won't go into detail on the last few days, but the end result was Keven asking if he could come home to rest and regroup and "get better" for a few days.  He assured me he was not going to be full on dope sick, that he  would hand me the car keys the moment he walked in the door and that he would ask for nothing.  I said yes and so far, that's how its worked out.  He came over yesterday and mostly has been lying on the couch sleeping or watching TV, which is fine.

I heard him pacing around last night, he was really feeling it and had the body aches so I gave him a massage and he went back to sleep.  I enjoy being able to show him my love and make him feel better at the same time.  No lectures, no questions, just letting him "be" for now.

Its my day off so I am home with him.  Maybe we will have a serious talk later, maybe not.  He knows he is moving out of the apt. and has to figure out a plan.  He says all the usual stuff about wanting to quit, wanting this to be it, you know...the stuff we hear all the time.

I'm just staying calm because I know its not my problem anymore.  I am doing what feels right for me.  I am here to talk it through, to love him, to encourage him.  The rest is up to him.

Today is his dad's birthday.  I was going to mention it to him but a friend said "he's an adult, he should know".  True - but I doubt he knows what date it is.  His dad certainly doesn't deserve a call, I think my true motive was hoping if he called it would make his dad feel like shit for being such a bad dad.  Ha, and people say I'm a nice person.  Not really.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Boundaries, Barbara, Boundaries!!!!!

Here I am at work writing on my blog!

I have a community service worker here today so I am giving her most of the tedious work I have.    I really enjoy meeting our community service kids.  I think 90% of them are in the program due to drugs or alcohol and since its their first offense, they go to a diversion program and do community service hours.  I got to know the neatest kid last week - you would never in a million years guess that he had ever so much as took a hit off a joint, straight A student, captain of the wrestling team, etc.  Yet another reminder that IT HAPPENS IN ALL TYPES OF FAMILIES.  We're not allowed to ask them why they got the hours, but most of them open up to me, I think they can tell I am "one of those moms" that gets it and is safe.

Its been a challenging week worrying about Keven and all the new stuff he's going through - even though I don't even know what all it is.  And of course worrying about Jon and that outcome.  Its just such a waste of energy and emotion to worry.

I wrote Eric (therapist) because I needed some of his wisdom and always need to be reminded about BOUNDARIES.  I know all this stuff that he reminded me of.  I KNOW IT.  But its so much harder to put it into practice.   Its not always easy having two other adult females parenting my child along with was great when he was a baby...but now they are having to deal with his issues and since they are not in therapy, on blogs or have any other support than me, it gets messy.

"Remember that your job is to set your boundaries and stick to them. It is not your job to set others' boundaries for them or to make sure that they adhere to them. In fact, part of your having boundaries is the true internal acknowledgment that what others do is not within your sphere of control at all. It is none of your business what your mother does with her boundaries. While it is acceptable to get together with your mother and sister to have "meetings" regarding your approach with Keven, please remember that even if you work together to some degree, you are actually setting boundaries alone since you have no control over anyone else. There will always be a great excuse to "save" Keven from the natural consequences of his actions, but never a good one. It's like I heard some guy say on some random TV show the other day, "you can't prepare him for life and protect him from it at the same time." 
Please remember that there is nothing you can really do about Keven. what you can so is use boundaries to offer help so that he can do something about his own situation. You are going to understand this way before your family does and its not your job to enlighten them. Know, also, that the hardest part of keeping boundaries is supporting yourself through the discomfort of feeling selfish. Remember that giving in to Keven is more about relieving your own distress, not his."

Ok, back to work.  Just wanted to share this because

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Nothing is the same

I suppose that is a good thing in some ways.  What I mean is, nothing in my life is the same anymore, lots and lots of changes within and without.  I usually get really introspective around this time of year and sometimes that is exciting and motivating, but right now I just feel like my life is on hold.  I don't know what will happen with Jon.  Things SEEM to be going well with Keven, but that could change at any second.

I feel like writing but don't really have much to say.  I read blogs but can't seem to force a comment out.

I did get to meet someone yesterday that I met via this blog.  She's local and we're friends on FB now and have got to know each other there, but yesterday was our first face to face.  Loved her!  I felt like I'd known her forever.  We have similar issues with our sons.

Thought about just not blogging anymore but I know I will need to at times.  I call this blog "back to being me" but there is no going back to the fun, upbeat me I used to be.  She's gone.  I can be that person on occasion, but that's not who I am on a day to day basis.

I have new worries for Keven, not related to drugs, its a health issue.  I guess indirectly its related to drugs.  Shit, who knows.  I don't even remember what life was life before drugs took over.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Its the weekend....again...need to find thanks in something

I have a love/hate relationship with weekends.  I love being able to sleep in a bit and then have a relaxing morning drinking coffee and catching up on things.  But I hate that I have so much time to fill and not enough to do.  Sure, there's house cleaning, laundry, errands, jail visits - you know, typical weekend stuff, but I don't have a lot of "fun" going on.  Too much time on my hands to think and then I have to use up my energy trying not to think the wrong can be exhausting.

Today I am getting my hair done, so at least I will look good while fighting depression.  Seriously, I am so thankful for all the good in my life.  I just fall so easily into the dark place if I don't work on it continuously.

Monday I am having coffee with a friend I've never met in person!!!!  I can't wait to meet her, I can't even remember how we first connected but she's also a POA.

I don't know what will happen with my boyfriend and me.  I am mad at myself for allowing myself to fall in love again with a man who in not available (this is my MO, usually they are not emotionally available, this one is physical).  This is why I guard my heart so much - its not worth the pain.  I thought this time the risk would be worth it because I thought, surely, they are not REALLY going to deport him.  But it looks as if they most likely will.  (Note to M.Y. - I know if you read this you are rolling your eyes.)

Anyone ever been to Holland?  I know its commonly referred to as The Netherlands, but the region of Holland is very proud and they still call themselves "Holland".  The Dutch are very different than Americans which has its pros and cons.  Would I really leave my son, my life here, for Jon?  I don't know.  I guess I have a few more months to decide.

I don't feel like eating.  Its been a killer heatwave all week and its so hot in the house.  I shouldn't complain it been in the upper 90's here and been up to 106 where Keven lives.  He may come home tomorrow, we'll see.  He's been looking for jobs all week in this heat so I am happy about that.

Ok.  I'm done rambling on.  Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.  Thanks for letting me complain about mine.  I really have nothing to bitch about.  I need to put my gratitude hat back on - lol.  I really want this hat but they showed the price in Euros not dollars so I guess I'm out of luck.

Gratitude - Thought Shapers™ Mesh Hat

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Contacts, glasses, both?

GRRRR!!!!  I am so irritated by the fact that I can't see well these days.  I have tried:

multi-focal lens
bi-focal lens
and now
mono lens (a distance in one eye and a near in the other)

None of these combinations allows me to see both near and far.  I thought giving up some distance would be okay, but I felt helpless not being able to read street signs, etc.

So now I am doing the mono lens thing and I can FEEL my right eye working harder than my left and I still have to wear damn glasses when I am online.  But I think its the least annoying.  When the optometrist suggested these she said the only thing I would not be able to do is shoot, and I'm sure most of her patients don't have an issue with that, but I do shoot and have been wanting to get back to the range since I have a ton of ammo to get rid of for my Ruger 9mm.  I will just wear my glasses for shooting.

But at least I can see my phone without putting my glasses on.....

This aging thing is for the birds.  Actually birds have good eye site which reminds me of something spectacular I saw a few weeks ago at work:

An osprey decided to sit on top of the cross at our church all day long.  He (she?) had caught a meal (another bird) and sat up there all day enjoying it.  It was huge, these beautiful birds have a 6 foot wingspan!

I am slowly catching up on blogs, sharing in the joy and the heartbreak.  I still pray down my list every single day and add new names when I meet new people out there that love an addict, are an addict or have somehow been touched by addiction.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Pity Party is Over

I allowed myself to throw a little party yesterday, but today is a new day and no matter how difficult it may be, I am going to do my best to be positive, I am going to say focus on the words of the Serenity Prayer rather than blaming God on my misfortune, and I am not going to feel sorry for myself.

In other news:  There is a quote by a semi-celebrity going around.  She said:
"I'm not a perfect mom, but my kids haven't been arrested, in rehab or kicked out of school, so I must be doing something right!"
My son has accomplished all three of the above, woo hoo!  :)

Of course she's getting a lot of flak for saying this (as she should) but it makes me wonder how many people actually believe this?  That's one of the reasons I am very open about Keven.  People who know me know how much I loved him and that I was a good mom.  Addiction does not discriminate.  Its a disease that happens in all sorts of families.  People like Kathie Lee Gifford have the hardest time dealing with it when it happens in theirs.

Remember:  its not our fault.  We didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it (3 C's of Al-Anon)


Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, August 6, 2012

Not a happy ending

The attorney for our government was pissed off that Jon is even getting a chance to stay here considering his past crimes.  Even though the higher level court approved this merit hearing, she oppossed it and convinced the judge to send it back to the higher court to look at further.

Chances look slim that he will get to stay.  So I have to  decide -  do I want to leave my life here to live in a foreign country that is not very welcoming of Americans, where I won't know a soul besides him and he doesn't know a soul either?  Leave my son, my mom, my sis, my dog?

Yes, his crimes were serious but they were in the nineteen fucking 80's!  Get over it!

I feel angry and bitter right now.  Why can't something good happen in my life for a change?  I'm so sad...and I was so hopeful.  It did not seem too good to be true - it seemed good and true and like it was meant to be.

Either God doesn't exist, or he exists and doesn't think I should ever get my prayers answered.  Personally, at this point,  I find more comfort in thinking he doesn't exist.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

The Big Day Has Arrived

I am leaving for LA at 11:00 am, the hearing is at 1 pm.  Am I nervous?  Sort of, but not really.  I've gotten pretty good at living in the moment and at this moment I am catching up on blogs (gosh I miss the time I used to have to read blogs at work all day!), drinking my third cup of "Paul Newman's Organic Coffee", and still in my PJs.  Sugar is next to me with her black bear wanting to play, but she will have to wait.

So my entire life will change today.  No matter what the outcome of the hearing, things won't be the same for me after today.  In the best case scenario (which I am very, very confident in) I will officially have a boyfriend who lives just 2 miles away, that loves me as I am, and visa versa.  There is something so comforting in knowing each other for all these years.  He knows my history, my family, my personality, my weaknesses and strengths.  But there are always surprises too, things about me that have changed, things about him that have changed.  I admire and respect him - those were the missing ingredients in my last two serious relationships.

OR, things could go the wrong way - they could deport him.  In that case I will have a broken heart and spend the rest of my life wondering about what could have been.  One of the questions they will ask me today is if I am willing to relocate to Holland.  My answer will be "I've considered that possibility but think it would be a huge hardship because family is the most important thing to me and my family is here, also the culture is very different, I don't know the language and would feel very isolated."  Truth.

I just have to tell the truth and hope and pray that the Judge is a decent fair man and that the Government Attorney doesn't oppose his decision.

OK, maybe I am nervous!!

I spent Saturday afternoon with my boy.  It was great.  It was the best time we've had together in as long as I can remember.  We talked, laughed a bit, and got both our eyes examined.  He got his much needed new glasses and I got yet another combination of contact lenses to try in an effort to see both near and far (this time - mono lenses since multi-focal took away too much of my distance vision, but I can't see the computer screen with them, ugh).

Keven admitted he 's still using but its not "as bad" and he's trying.  He's recovering from the staph infection he got on his face and can look for a job once its healed.  He had to grow a beard because the doctor told him not to shave, but I hope he can shave soon - he's too handsome to cover his face with all that hair (he has a very thick beard, thanks to my dad's side of the family).

I didn't say a word when he told me he was still using. We stayed off that topic and just enjoyed each other. I got a real hug and a nice text later saying how much he enjoyed our day.  There's a time and place for everything and Saturday was a time for being "normal" and remembering how much I love hanging out with my son when he's not high.

Thought for the day:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Los Angels Immigration Court

Taken while stuck in traffic on the 101 

First off, thanks for all the comments.  I enjoyed hearing all the different opinions on whether or not I should get Keven glasses, I've decided that they are a necessity so will take him this weekend to Wamart.  He's used to getting Raybans from Lens Crafters but didn't balk at all when I said we'd be going to Walmart this time.

There's another part of my life that has been very intense for the last 5 months.  The short story is someone I love very much has been awaiting his hearing for "cancellation of removal".  That means they want to deport him, but are consdiering letting him stay.  His criminal activity was in the 80's so hopefully the judge will see that he's a good person and not send him back to a country where he knows NO ONE.  He's lived here for 40 years, since he was 15, so its kind of silly to send him back now, but its a possibility.

This past Monday I drove up to Los Angeles to meet with his attorney to prep me for his hearing.  I am the key witness for his character.  I answered all her questions honestly and she said if I can do the same thing on the stand in front of the judge/court, I will be "perfect".  I admit, I'm a bit nervous.

I can't bear the thought of them sending him back to Holland, THIS is his home.  I'll let you know how it goes.  If you are the praying kind, prayers would be very appreciated.

So, who's been watching the Olympics?  What are your favorite sports to watch?  Mine is synchronized diving followed by gymnastics (doesn't everyone love that the best!?)

I still pray for all the POA's and their children every day.  Never lose hope (even though its hard not to sometimes).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara