In the last month I started a new job, moved my son from jail into a studio apartment, have not blogged much, have developed feelings for an ex-boyfriend, and have continued to grow in the area of setting boundaries, letting go, etc.
I love my job, all is well there. Great co-workers, good work environment, etc.
The ex-bf has feelings for me too, but our situation is kind of challenging at the moment and I am not ready to talk about it (no, he's not married - neither of us has ever married! Weird, huh?)
The growing and all that is good, but I am still not taking care of myself physically and have to make that my priority. Lifestyle changes.
Keven. Keven has changed too, for the better. We set him up in a gross, scary little dive studio apt. an hour away from home in a town where people have bars on their windows. He loves it, because its his. Now its up to him. If he doesn't get a job in two months, he loses it all and is pretty much on the streets because we can't support him. I am less worried about him using than ever, but I am still worried that:
- he won't find a job
- he will do something stupid and get arrested
- he will use (last on my list, but will always be there, usually its first on the list)
So I have to just let go and hope and pray. Selfishly, I want him to succeed not just for himself but because it would be so much easier for my mom, sis and me than dealing with the opposite - if he screws up.
Its not going to be easy for a convicted felon with no work history to get a job, he has one lead (thanks to someone who reads here).
Life is weird. Things that once mattered to me, don't matter at all anymore. I have simplified my life and am doing my best to live in the moment, but there are still a lot of gloomy clouds hanging over my head, its a constant struggle to not feel depressed or stressed.
I suppose I should be writing a patriotic post today, but I don't feel like and I'm okay with that.
Peace, Hope and Love,
Barbara
I think so much uncertainty can really bring you down, even when things appear to be going well. It's funny the way our priorities change too.
ReplyDeleteHere in the UK we don't celebrate the 4th of July anyway, so that's okay with me. ;)
Hang in there girl. You and Keven have come so far...but now the really hard work begins. He has to get and get on with a life and you have to let him go.
ReplyDeleteYou're both strong enough to do this and I'll be praying for you.
Namaste'
Kevin should apply right away for assistance, food stamps, welfare, housing, medical, etc., so that he will have something to live off of until he finds a job and this way the burden will not fall on you or your family members.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing how these kids of ours put everything else into perspective? You will figure your stuff out. I have complete faith in you! :o) Good to see yoru name pop up in my reader.
ReplyDelete"Things that once mattered to me, don't matter at all anymore."
ReplyDeleteI can relate Barbara.
Stay cool dear friend.
Blessings, Bob
Hoping and praying here that he finds a job and a life, and that you can finally have the Mother/Son relationship that you've always hoped for . . . Also that you can have the other relationship that you hoped for ;-)
ReplyDeleteHugs and Love to you Barbara
I think as parents of addicts we somehow feel wrong in wanting a life of our own. Especially as a mother, we see it as our sole priority to make sure our family is okay...at any cost to ourselves. I think it's a really good thing that your saying "hey, I want a little happiness too". You absolutely deserve it!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to Keven on his first place. A very exciting time in a young persons life. I hope he will take this opportunity to make a wonderful life for himself, one that you can both be proud of.
You are both in my thoughts and prayers,
Summer
You are so awesome! Thank you for sharing how well you are doing. I am happy for Keven and pray that everything works out for him. Take care of Barbara!
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for the comments :) I feel bad for going from a "strong blogger" to a weak one. I used to reply to every comment and read all my fave blogs daily. I need to get over the guilt. I guess it bothers me because it makes me look like I don't care any more, but I do.
ReplyDeleteLet go of that guilt Barbara. You've had a lot going on, and we know you care. I will be praying that Keven is able to find a job. I'm just wondering if he is going to any kind of recovery support group? Sometimes they provide good networking possibilities and can give leads on employers who hire people with records.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great. I am glad that you are letting go of the outcomes and not trying to force solutions for others. What a great feeling of freedom!
ReplyDelete