Sunday, July 29, 2012

Accepting Reality Without Giving Up Hope

Went to visit Keven yesterday to take him grocery shopping.  That will be the last time I do that.  I don't want to visit him anymore unless absolutely necessary*.

I could see in his eyes that he's still using.  He has a girl living in his apt with him, although he says she just stays over now and then (BS).

I look at him and wonder, "who are you?"

I accept that fact that he is probably no where near being done with this lifestyle.  I grieve the loss of the life I thought he would have - and the life I had hoped for myself as his mother.  The fact is the people I knew in my past that were addicts stayed addicts for 20 - 30 years.  Sure there are many success stories, some right from the sidebar of this blog - I think of them as my "hope" blogs.

Hope - something I still have but its kind of a foggy, diluted form of hope compared to the naive optimistic type I had in the beginning.

Question:  His glasses went missing in jail.  He is having a hard time seeing.  I am considering getting him new glasses at Walmart or Costco so he can see and therefore read, write and be able to do his job if he's hired.
Do you think this is okay?  Other than this, I don't want to help him out anymore.  My family has not reached that point yet, but I have.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

LOL - I just noticed that I had nailed a laundry basket to the wall to cover up some electric outlets, why did I do that?  I must have had a reason.  He was such a sweet little guy.

ALSO - cassette tapes?  Were they still around 21 years ago?  I guess so!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

What's Going On?

I titled this post based on the fact that I am listening to Marvin Gaye, one of my all time favorites.  This song is timeless!

But, I guess sharing what's been going on is also a good idea.

Keven:  He's going in for a second interview at Subway on Monday and feels sure that he's going to be hired.  He volunteered to me that he will pass a drug test if they give him one.  He's been pro-active about getting an EBT card (food stamps) and looking for work.  So far so good, but I am not deciving myself into thinking he's doing great, he's doing okay.

Anthony:  I rarely visit him in jail, we have a weekly phone call and write each other.  I did go visit him this weekend as a surprise and as always, it was great to see him.  He has 90 days left in there.

My love life:  More about that when I have it figured out, but I think I am falling in love and it scares the crap out of me.  So many feelings coming up and stuff from the past/long history of unhealthy relationships and issues with men.  I am taking it one day at at time.

I've been reading blogs and am continuously blessed, amazed and grateful.  Our community is awesome.  I'm sorry if I"m not commenting as much.  Just in such a weird place right now, but not a bad place.  Just a lot of uncertainty about my future and fears that I am working hard to conquer.

Ron has invited all of us to his place (Kansas) in October, its so tempting to take him up on it, I'd love to meet some of you.  I wish money and time were not such barriers to doing the things we want to do in life.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, July 22, 2012


This is going to be one of those posts I am writing mostly for me, to express my feelings and share my thoughts.  Yesterday was a very emotional (in a good way) day for me.  My mom, sis and I visited my cousin and her big family and made me realize that I've been missing out for years...

First I have to explain the "logistics" so this will make sense.

On my mother's side of the family there are no cousins.  From my father's side of the family there are 23 first cousins.  My mother and father married late in life (for back then).  They were 35 when they had their first child (me) and the majority of my 23 cousins were already in their teens or 20's and some had kids of their own by then.  My godfather was my 20 year old cousin.

Almost every Sunday of my childhood we would go to both sets of my grandparent's house.  We would first stop by my father's parents, my Meme and Pepe (French was spoken as much as English and to this day I can understand the language but can't speak it well enough to carry on a conversation).  We would spend hours there and ALL THE OTHER COUSINS, aunts, uncles and many 2nd cousins would be there.  Because of the huge age gap, I felt kind of stuck.  My sister was the same age as many 2nd cousins so she played with them and I followed my cousins Robert and Greg around like a puppy dog because they were the closest in age to me.  I admit, I had a huge crush on my cousin Robert from age ten until...well, I think I still have it!  lol

Sadly, my father (who was one of the favorite uncles to all these cousins) was the first in the entire family of 9 siblings to die.  He died before his parents.  He was 49.  I was 15 at the time and that was when the weekly visits to see Meme and Pepe and the aunts and uncles and cousins ended.  We would have been 100% welcome to keep going, but my mom never took us.  Fortunately we still remained close to my dad's sister, my favorite aunt, but it was never the same as the weekly gatherings.  We'd occasionally see that side of the family, but not much.

So yesterday my cousin Margaret had a big family gathering with her kids, grand-kids and brothers (Robert and Greg).  Robert was visiting from Sweden so it was a special occasion.  I was so glad she included us even though out of a houseful of about 40 people, we only knew 3 of them well because the rest of them were all little kids the last time we saw them.   It was amazing.  There was no awkwardness at all, all these people treated us like we belonged there, like we were automatically loved because we shared the same blood - even though we didn't know each other (other than my 2nd cousin Jen who I know from Facebook - it was so cool to meet her in person, everyone says we look alike which was a compliment to me!).

Seeing Robert again after all these years felt so good, like no time had passed.  And both of us look the same (according to each other) neither of us looks our age, we both look great!  LOL.  He really did look the same except for gray hair - he's got a baby face that hasn't aged a bit.

It saddened me that Keven was not there.  Most of the 3rd cousins were around his age, he would have fit right in.  Since we were only 45 minutes from where Keven lives we did drive out to his apt and take him out to dinner after we left the cousins.  It was a pleasant experience.  Has he been using?  I'm not sure, I'd guess probably something, but I didn't care.  We just enjoyed him and loved him and bought him a very nice table ($20 at a thrift store) and a few little things.

So all this to say:  It was a very moving day for me.  I left there with tears in my eyes because I never realized how good it would make me feel to be part of a family, until yesterday.  I adore my cousin Margaret, always have, and I hope that now I can be closer to her.  Her mom meant so much to me, and my dad to her, so we have a special bond.

If you have a loving family, you are blessed.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

PS  My BFF moved up north several months back to be near her family, I miss her but am so glad she made the move.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Message from A Wildflower

Nothing has changed but I feel a little less miserable.  Its as if I've entered a new phase in this journey of being a POA.  This phase is the hardest because it feels that there's so much at stake.  He's at a crossroads, get a job and get clean, or figure out how to be an addict without the aid of his family.  We're made it easy for him, I realize that.

Last night I went to bed determined, once again, to get back to BEING ME.  When I crawled out of bed at 5:30 to let my little angel out to do her thing, I made coffee, sad down here and opened up my blog reader.  I usually go down the list in order checking out whoever has updated but for some reason today I read this blog first.  I like this young lady a lot.  It saddens me to see young people like her suffer because there are adult addicts in their life.  She's very honest and insightful.  What she wrote today was a good reminder to me of how important it is to take charge of my thoughts on purpose.  

Its "not fair" to have to work so hard to try to feel "normal" but nothing about addiction is fair.

Its not fair that some people can try a drug and decide they never want to do it again, and others are immediately addicted.  Its not fair that some people can drink a glass of wine or two, and others can't.  Its not fair that someone offered a naive kid a hit off a joint and now that kid gets high every day as his grades fall.  Its not fair when any parent has to bury their child for any reason - but POAs live in fear of it, where most parents just hope it never happens.

So, duh.  Life is not fair.  We all know that.  I just have to accept that at this new phase I am going to have to work extra hard if I want to feel okay, and if I don't feel up to the extra work, I will just feel bad for a day or an hour or whatever.

You people rock my world.  Thanks for being here.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I'm Miserable Today

Definition:unhappy, depressed
Synonyms:afflictedagonized, ailing, anguished,brokenhearted, crestfallendejecteddesolate,despairingdespondentdestroyeddisconsolate,discontented, distresseddolefuldolorous,downdown in the mouth, downcast, forlorn,gloomyheartbrokenhopelesshurthurting, ill,in pain, injuredmelancholymournfulon adowner, pained, patheticpitiable, ruefulruthful, sadsicksickly, sorrowful,strainedsufferingtormented, tortured, tragic,troubledwoebegonewounded, wretched

I know he's out there doing meth.  There's nothing for me to do but wait.  I tried to keep my mind occupied today but easier said than done.

My sweet son - what has become of you?

Its not right.  Its happening to people like us all over the country and we suffer as we wait and wonder what will become of our loved one.

Some have gotten to a place where they've found an acceptance, but its still painful.  He wants to see me, I told him no.  He tells me he's lost but is not ready to surrender completely.  He's scared, he's lonely.  So am I.

Trying to be strong, but today I'm not doing a good job of it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Latest News

They released Keven from the hospital today.  They would not release him unless someone picked him up, so I did.  He looked healthy.  Amazing how you can be almost dead then be totally normal within 48 hours.  Thank God for Narcan.

He had to wear a paper shirt out of the hospital, they had cut off his shirt when they resuscitated him.  I drove him to his apartment in Riverside, we hardly spoke for the two hour drive (traffic added an hour).  He said he wants to try again.  I said "good, I will never lose faith in you, you can do it if you want it bad enough".  That's all I said.  So he's out there with no car, little money and no friends - but his rehab is only 4 miles away.  So in my mind, he has all he needs.  I am just going to let him go and see what happens next.

I feel stronger than I ever had.

I'd love to share a letter Anthony sent me today.  It was amazing.  I might actually scan it or something. It was so heartfelt, all about how I need to let go of Keven completely, etc.  I'm so glad I didn't give up on Anthony, he's come a long way and has a long way to go, but damn it, he appreciates and loves me so much and I NEED that.  He's very angry and disgusted with Keven - not for using, but for coming here high and putting my family through hell again.

The comments I got over the last few days have also helped me more than I can say.  I love being part of this group - but I wish it was not because of the heartache we share.

Let's have a party somewhere in the middle of the USA so we can all meet.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I Feel the Prayers - thank you!

Here is what I wrote Saturday:

" I am going to stop jumping to conclusions and wait for a real crisis before I react and make myself crazy with worry."

Well heck, I didn't have to wait long did I?  I think I knew deep inside that he was using but wanted so badly to be wrong, I let myself hang on to a thread of hope (or is that denial?).

I went to see him at the hospital and he was belligerent and mean.  That is not my real son.  But - it sure makes it a whole lot easier to LET HIM GO completely.  

Part of me feels stupid - like, why did I think this time would be any different just because he sounded so sure of himself from jail?  Why did we set him up with all he needs to live alone?

I'm not stupid, just desperate.  I think we (my mom, sis and me) felt like if we do this one last thing for him - set him up to succeed, show him we believe in him, etc., then, and only then, would we be able to give him nothing. We've tried everything - now its time to try nothing.

I looked at the young man in the hospital bed, covered with little leaves and particles of dirt (not sure why, but they must have had him on the ground).  With the half-lidded eyes, the sallow cheeks, the anger, fear and bitterness seeping out from every pour - and I saw my little boy, lost, scared and hating life.  

The doctor asked if he was trying to kill himself because of the amount in his system, he said "no" then winked at me as if to say "yes".  BUT, if he wanted to die - he would have parked the car somewhere else.  Oh, did I share that part of the story?  A passerby saw him passed out and BLUE in the car.  By the time they got there his breathing was so shallow it took 3 minutes to get him back to "normal".  I wonder if they shot him full of Narcan?

Thanks to everyone who came here to leave comments - Its truly what keeps me going at times like this.

One last thing - The morning I picked him up from jail (one week ago yesterday) the first thing I said to him after I hugged him and said I love you, was "you look high!".  He denied it, I believed him.  He had used within an hour of getting out of jail.  I feel sick thinking about that.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, July 9, 2012

He OD'd

He almost died.  A passerby saw him passed out and blue in the car and called 911.  It took them 3 minutes to resuscitate.  I'm on my way to the hospital.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

He's High - I called the cops

He came over high.  I let him sleep for awhile.  Then I told him he had to leave.  He called me names and left, I called the police.

Please PRAY they pick him up SOON before he wrecks the car or gets away.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

I think he's Okay & My love life

I swear, I can't get back on this darn roller coaster!  I saw "the look" Saturday, but then talked to him on the phone last night and he was so incredibly normal sounding.  I am going to stop jumping to conclusions and wait for a real crisis before I react and make myself crazy with worry.

Thank you for all the comments.  I still feel the care and concern and don't know what I'd do if I was alone in all this.

I'll share a bit more about my personal life:  Many of you who've known me for years are aware that I am single and always hoping to meet the right guy for me.  It's never happened.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I've always had a feeling that instead of meeting someone new, someone from my past would re-emerge and we'd fall in love again and stay together forever.  I even had a few hopefuls in mind of who that someone might be, all nice guys that I had nice relationships with.

But for me, nice was always boring, I always left. I had the typical "bad boy" syndrome that many of us women seem to fall into.  But bad boys grow up, right?  They change, they turn into nice guys.  Let's hope that's the case in my situation.

I am currently seeing someone from my past as just friends, but it seems to be leading to more.  He was my very first love, and it was a very intense relationship.  So we find ourselves together again, not looking like the pretty boy and girl we were in our late teens/early 20's, but wiser, less selfish, much more mellow (like way mellow.....).

I'm going to discuss it with my therapist today and am nervous.  That means I think there's something wrong with it.  But I am following my heart this time and taking it slow.  I am not the person I was back then and he isn't either.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, July 7, 2012

no way, i must be wrong

he had the look today - the "using" look.
i must be wrong.

In other news:  he's in his little apt. and has all he needs to succeed.  His first job lead did not work out.  They even questioned if he was using.  The problem is:  He's twitchy, he's got mega high anxiety and therefore has lots of quirky, unusual tics and twitches, even when he's not using.  I know this is going to be a hindrance for him for the rest of his life it it doesn't somehow get under control.

I just saw an old interview of Andy Griffith, did you know his son died on a drug overdose?  Same with Caroll O'Conner's son, but his addiction led to suicide.

Doesn't matter what walk of life you're in, addicts come from all sorts of families.  Don't we know it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

So Many Changes

In the last month I started a new job, moved my son from jail into a studio apartment, have not blogged much, have developed feelings for an ex-boyfriend, and have continued to grow in the area of setting boundaries, letting go, etc.

I love my job, all is well there.  Great co-workers, good work environment, etc.

The ex-bf has feelings for me too, but our situation is kind of challenging at the moment and I am not ready to talk about it (no, he's not married - neither of us has ever married! Weird, huh?)

The growing and all that is good, but I am still not taking care of myself physically and have to make that my priority.  Lifestyle changes.

Keven.  Keven has changed too, for the better.  We set him up in a gross, scary little dive studio apt. an hour away from home in a town where people have bars on their windows.  He loves it, because its his.  Now its up to him.  If he doesn't get a job in two months, he loses it all and is pretty much on the streets because we can't support him.  I am less worried about him using than ever, but I am still worried that:

- he won't find a job
- he will do something stupid and get arrested
- he will use (last on my list, but will always be there, usually its first on the list)

So I have to just let go and hope and pray.  Selfishly, I want him to succeed not just for himself but because it would be so much easier for my mom, sis and me than dealing with the opposite - if he screws up.

Its not going to be easy for a convicted felon with no work history to get a job, he has one lead (thanks to someone who reads here).

Life is weird.  Things that once mattered to me, don't matter at all anymore.  I have simplified my life and am doing my best to live in the moment, but there are still a lot of gloomy clouds hanging over my head, its a constant struggle to not feel depressed or stressed.

I suppose I should be writing a patriotic post today, but I don't feel like and I'm okay with that.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara