Saturday, June 30, 2012

Quote from a Wise Man

Who can also be a wise-ass.  But this time he, Mr. Ron Grover, wrote something on my FB regarding Keven getting out this weekend that sums up all I need to remember:

"Good Luck, enjoy and savor the moment. Remember, that is when KEVEN'S work begins."

So very true.  I've been working hard in therapy, and over the last several years (with much help from the readers here) to get to the point where I am at this moment:  truly, honestly, sincerely LETTING GO.  I've said it to myself a million times, like a mantra "let go, let god"  or just "LET GO, DAMN IT!", but now I actually have  let go.  Its so freeing, its so much less stressful.

Naturally, I still have conerns, I still care, I will always have the typical amount of maternal "worry", but for the most part, my son is ready to be an adult and take care of himself.  I am not going to stand in the way.  If he fails, he fails, but that doesn't mean I fail.

My mom and sis haven't exactly reached the point where I am and to them it may appear that I am being "lazy" or taking the easy way out because I am not struggling to manipulate the situation and make it safe and nice and normal....but I know all of you get it.  

Its not easy, its taken years to get here, I still have fleeting moments of panic and fear.  But for the most part, I am ready.  I am ready to embrace my son upon his release, then release him back to his own life.

He will be out sometime between midnight tonight and midnight tomorrow night, most likely closer to midnight tomorrow night - thank goodness I have Monday's off!  Time to spend with him and sleep in after a midnight run to the jail.  He plans to move all his stuff out of the house Monday.

Here we are looking rather geeky, but lovable, right?

P.S.  Three goals for tomorrow:  Laundry, Grocery shopping and CATCHING UP ON BLOGS/EMAILS!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, June 25, 2012

Lots Going On

My life feels like a whirlwind of things to do in the last few weeks.

Keven gets out this weekend.  July 1 can mean when the clock strikes midnight Saturday or it can mean any time up to right before it strikes again Sunday going into Monday.  Its a pain not knowing because I need to plan around it.

He will be moving into an apt. in Riverside and has a potential job lined up.  Its make it or break time for Keven.  He will either thrive and do well or fall back into the abyss.  I have high hopes, but am totally prepared if things fall apart.  Its his life and I have let go of being responsible for his outcomes.  I've provided him the tools he needs to succeed, the rest is up to him.

As for me, strange things happening with my love life.  The thing with my chiropractor is over, he was a whiner, constantly complaining.  No matter how good looking or successful a person is - if they have an annoying personality they are not very attractive or fun to be around.

But then there's my first high school sweetheart.  He's sort of back in my life due to various circumstances that brought us together again after many, many years (30 or more).  He's not someone I would ever imagine myself being involved with again yet I feel myself drawn to him.  He knows me so well.  We were in love for four years.  I am not sure what's happening between us so I am just taking one day at a time.

I feel very bad that I am not keeping up with blogs like I used to.  The desire is there, just not the time.  I have to get a schedule going so I can figure out a time to devote to reading/commenting.  I miss you guys.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, June 22, 2012

When Justice Is Served...

Thankfully Sandusky was found guilty - if the verdict had been innocent I would have lost the last threads of hope I have in our justice system.  As a survivor of sexual abuse/rape and an advocate for others victims:  LET THIS GIVE HOPE TO THOSE WHO FEAR SPEAKING OUT!

I hope the rest of his life is miserable.  I'm sure he will be kept in protective custody for his own safety.  Bummer.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Good Stuff

I love my new job.

Keven is going to be living in a sublet apt. that is off campus housing for the Uof C at Riverside - can you imagine him being surrounded by university students vs. drug addicts?  its only for two months, but it will be very motivating for him since one of his goals is to go to college.

Going to bed now.  Please tell me I will eventually adjust to this working for a living stuff!

I miss my blog Buds, trying to keep up but am falling behind...

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, June 15, 2012

Shout out to Ross and Rambling

Many of you remember Ross over at "Life of a Recovering Addict", well he's writing again.  Lots of people are special to me, but Ross is extra special.  I just know he's going to be okay in the long run, ya know what I mean?  Anyhow just an FYI so we can encourage him and learn from him.  I love it when addicts openly share their journeys with us, its a huge help in understanding what they go through.

I have NO TIME TO MYSELF!  This job thing is really taking up too much of my time!  I like it a lot but dang, I get up at 5:30 instead of 7:00 and I go to bed super early cause I am so tired these days.  Not much time for things I want to do.  But I'm working on adjusting.

This weekend is Father's Day - not something I personally have reason to celebrate since my dad has been gone since 1975, but a day where I usually feel sad for my own son.  He said something the other day that has a very clear undertone of meaning "I wish my dad cared about me", although he would never blatantly admit such a thing.

Got my first paycheck today - I'm not broke anymore!  But I still have to watch every penny.  I'm going to be helping Keven out when he gets out (in two weeks!).  I have a good feeling about him this time.  I won't say much about it, but I will keep you posted.  HE NEEDS A JOB!  That's a bigger fear for me than of him using again.

I gotta get ready for work!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Feeling feelings

I've been sick since Wed. and had to miss 1.5 days of my new job. Not a good way to start out there, but it couldn't be helped.  I think maybe being exposed to millions of new germs (everyone I meet shakes my hand and I meet people all day long) could have gotten to me.

During my sick time I've been thinking through a lot of things.  Mostly about how important it is to feel feelings and acknowledge them as opposed to glossing over them, forcing negatives into positives, pushing them away.

My normal way to function is to do one of the above.  For example, worry about Keven.  As soon as I notice myself worrying about him I push that feeling away and replace the thought with something positive OR remind myself to let go, its out of my control.

I realized this hasn't been helping me any.  Maybe for quick fix, but not for the long term.  I need to allow myself to feel what I feel fully and process it.  When I push it away or try to put positive twist on something that my brain knows is a negative, I hold on to the emotion/feeling and it keeps coming back again and again.

I know this is nothing new,  but I wanted to figure out a way I could stop obsessing over Keven and his impending release from jail (20 days) and start of a new life.  So many things could go wrong.  So I let myself think about all the horrible things that could happen, feel sad, scared, worried, sickened, etc. and discovered that by doing that, the next time the obsession started, it was easier to deal with.  So if I keep doing this long enough the obsession should eventually turn into a passing concern.  I hope.

The fact is, some things truly are negative.  I am a firm believer in positive thinking and I will never stop doing that, but most of time I was trying to change the negatives to positives.  There's nothing wrong with looking for a bright side or a silver-lining...but to ignore the possibility of doom (whatever it may be) seems to give more power to the feeling.

For those of you who pray, I have a HUGE prayer request.  Please pray that Keven can get a job quickly when he gets out of jail.  He has never worked and has a felony conviction.  The job market is shitty.  So I'm hoping someone we know can put in a good word for him somewhere.  He has skills, is very smart, and is a good team player and all that.  He just needs someone to GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

He's determined to live on his own, restart his life out of Orange County and support himself.  I am all for this, but the reality is he can't do it without a job.  I'm willing to help him get a start as I would do if he weren't an addict* because that's what parents do the first time their kids move out (unless they are a 19 y.o. girl moving out to live with a 25 y.o. guy she just met....gee, I wonder who would do that, lol).

*Keven is an addict but my therapist and I have decided it would be healthy for him and for me to treat him as if he weren't (within reason).  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  He will have 5 months with no drugs when he gets out.  That means a clear mind and a healthy body.  IF he screws up this opportunity, he's on the street and he knows it.

So, everything is hanging on him getting a JOB.

Thanks to everyone who reads here and cares about us, it means the world to me.  I am reading blogs but not commenting as much as usual.  I still pray for 42 of you each day (and your kids).  I actually have a list and have lost touch with some but I keep on praying/hoping/believing for them.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Men and Women

Looking back at my old blog, here is what I wrote 4 years ago today.  I don't know where this came from but I got some interesting comments.

There are lots of age old adages about men and women, but are they true or not? What do you think?

But for now, TRUE OR FALSE:

1. Men enjoy the thrill of the chase – so, women should play hard to get, or put another way, is a woman who is an easy catch less desirable than one who is hard to get? If so, why?

2. Women prefer “bad boys” over “nice guys”.

3. Men are uncomfortable when women get upset (cry) because they feel the need to "solve" the problem.

4. Women usually try to change a man into something else after they start dating saying things like "he's just rough around the edges, I can smooth him out".

5. Men have a need to appear in control and don't like to ask for help, they hate it when women give them directions in the car even if they are obviously lost.

6. To women, the cuddling after sex is more important than the sex itself.

7. Men care more about how a woman looks, women care more about how much money a man has.

.Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Moving Along

My job is going well.

Keven's release date is looming closer (July 1)

I've been feeling kinda lonely.

Its very different working some place where no one knows about Keven.  People are always asking me about him, if he goes to college, works, etc. and I am evasive.  I say he's struggling to find his way in the word.  I WANT to tell everyone because I'm very open about it, but I am waiting.

I'm tired.

My therapist tells me I am doing great, 5 steps forward, 1 step back.  But I sit here and wonder if I'm really growing and changing because I don't feel like it.  I feel like my whole life is on hold again because Keven is ALWAYS in the back of my mind.

It takes so much work to let go.  It sounds so easy, but for me, its still not.

I'm tired.  Did I already say that?

I miss everyone, trying so hard to keep up with blogs.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara