Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Interesting Statement about Inmates and Fathers

Got a letter from Keven today and in it he told me he read an article that said most inmates send their mother's a card for Mother's Day, but very few send their dad's one.

Since my dad is not around and Keven's isn't involved, I have to wonder is this because guys just don't generally send their dad's cards?

Then he told me that when Hallmark came to give out free cards for Mother's Day they had to come back twice and there still weren't enough to go around.

When they came for Father's Day not ONE inmate signed up to get a card.  I thought that was interesting.

In other news:  I AM FRIGGING EXHAUSTED!  I love my new job but am now hoping I can handle it...they told me today "you ain't seen nothin yet, we have TONS more stuff for you to learn and do....."

My only complaints are the crappy desk set-up, poor lighting and HEAT.  I roast in that office even with a fan at my desk.

How's everybody doing?  I hope well.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

No time!

This cutie pie is my buddy, Isaac.
He's one of the nicest, funniest, talented and most interesting
people I know.  Can't wait to see him, its been a few!
Actually working leaves little time for blog reading, etc!

In other news:  I am going to a get-together, a reunion of sorts, next Thursday.  I will see all my wonderful former co-workers who I used to refer to as "the kids" cause I was in my 40's and they were all in their early 20's.  Ten years has past since those days.  I've seen a few of them here or there, but this will be special.  Now they are in their 30's, my kids all grown up!

Keven called tonight in a spectacular mood (I admit, I wondered if he was on speed, Anthony told me there are more drugs in there right now than usual).  But that's just a habit, he was just HAPPY and counting the days till her gets out and gets a job.

I lost one of my best friends to suicide in Oct. 2009.  Just now I opened Facebook to see a photo of his first grandson (I am FB friends with his son).  It was very emotional for me to see that precious little baby knowing that Doug is missing out on him, and he is missing out on a wonderful grandfather.  Damn it, Dougie!!!!  I'm mad at you right now.  :(

Work is going great, but man do I have a lot of stuff to learn and to do.  That's why they're paying me well, and they appreciate me!

I'm sorry I am not commenting as much but I am trying to at least keep up with reading.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, May 28, 2012


I think a lot of us are programmed from early in our lives to push away uncomfortable and/or painful feelings.  Instead of being anxious, depressed, scared, guilty, angry (the list goes on and on) we do something in order to ignore the emotion.

It could be something as harmless as reading a book, or it could be something that directly hurts us, like for me, overeating.  For addicts/alcoholics its their drug of choice.  (side note:  hiding from feelings is not always the reason a person starts drinking or drugging, but once their are deep in the addiction they have plenty of reasons to hide from feelings and from reality).

So anyhow, I've been working on feeling my emotions.  Its hard work, its painful, it doesn't feel good at first.  But I've learned that it HELPS me to move through it.  It helps first of all by identifying what the heck the feeling is (my therapist can read my face and when he sees any emotion surface he stops me and makes me identify it. At first it was hard, it gets easier with practice).  Then it helps me to feel the discomfort or pain or fear (90% related to Keven) and once I've faced it, I can walk through it and get back to the other side.

It generally sucks to feel fear, anguish, hopelessness.  I don't like it, but this is it.  This is LIFE and if I don't make a conscious effort to live it now, it will be over and I will still be living in an unhealthy manner.  I want to be healthy in all ways possible.

I met a woman last night (via FB) who lost her son two years ago to heroin.  LOST HIM.  He's GONE.  I feel a connection to her, her son and Keven are two in the same - were even in the same court program, may have even known each other.  My pain for her, my sadness is deep  -  so to imagine even for a moment what she feels is horrifying.  I hope she and I can be friends.  I've imagined Keven's death so many times, have "been" at his funeral in my head, buried him, etc.  But it wasn't real.  IF THEY ARE BREATHING THERE IS HOPE.

So today I am feeling some feelings and working through them and holding on to Hope for my boy.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 27, 2012

My Brain is on Overload!

Flowers from our yard
I like the new job, but of course there is a whole lot to learn.  And its a very different atmosphere than the law office, or any office I've worked in. Who knew how much went on behind the scenes to keep a church functioning????   I'll get the hang of it, I just have to remember to work carefully, I make mistakes when rushed.

My co-workers are very cool and there's lots of young people in and out all day - I like young people, its nice to be around some that aren't addicts for a change.

I put this quote from Louise Hay on  FB today.  I believe this to a point.  I know our minds are extremely powerful and our thoughts have a huge impact in our lives.   I try very hard not to dwell on anything negative, to make positive statements to myself, etc.  But for years I called myself horrible names in my head all day long.  I projected negativity into the future.  Can that be undone?  Are our thoughts and beliefs really this powerful?  Its something I think about a lot.

“Your thoughts and beliefs of the past have created this moment, and all the moments up to this moment. What you are now choosing to believe and think and say will create the next moment and the next day and the next month and the next year.” 
Louise Hay

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, May 24, 2012

New Job Starts Today

I love my therapist.  I know I say that all the time, but its true.  Had a very insightful session yesterday and he's even offered to email me a synopsis of what was said since he knows I have a hard time remembering and it was super important.

I'm excited about the new job which starts in two hours!  I refuse to give up my before work blog reading time so I will end here and read.

My ex-boyfriend/fiance left me a message yesterday in the comments on my last post.  THAT was a shocker.  I had just been thinking about him*.  I really loved him at one time, he was so good to me.  I couldn't handle that.  I wasn't ready for healthy and normal.  Today, I'm a different person.   When the time is right, I will meet someone special.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

*I have his initial tattooed on my ankle, kinda hard NOT to think about him now and then :)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

UPDATE cause I'm MAD


I resent your comment:

"Sounds like you had and still have very unhealthy relationships with men. Maybe that has something to do with your sons problems. It can't be easy to watch your mother sleeping around with whoever pays any attention to her."

First of all, everything job listed here was PRIOR to having my son.  If you actually read the last job you would see that I was laid off when I was 8 months pregnant.

Second of all, I DID NOT DATE AT ALL WHEN KEVEN WAS A YOUNG CHILD.  I WENT 11 YEARS WITHOUT DATING, KISSING, MEN OR SEX.  And why did I choose to do that?  Because Keven was my focus.  Eventually I did start dating and was very aware that it would be an adjustment to him.  I dated the same guy for 3 years and he and Keven got along great.  I never "slept around" and Keven got tons of attention from his mother, being an  only child to a single mom, he probably got more than most since I didn't have anyone else to pay attention to.

Thirdly, I have admitted plenty of times on my blogs that I have unhealthy relationships with men...duh.  But the incidents written about here are mostly just fun times for a young woman - meeting people through your job is not necessarily unhealthy.  Yes, I had a very co-dependent relationship that I mentioned here.

Fourthly, HOW DARE YOU accuse me of sleeping around and HOW DARE YOU blame me for my son's problems.  I am not the perfect mother, there is no such things.  Any mistakes I made were made in love.  You are angry and ignorant.

I was just thinking about my work history (obviously the new job is on my mind).  I only have my past three jobs on my resume but if I look back I've been working since I was 16.  Here are a few of the jobs that I've had over the years.

~ Worked a snack bar at a Rec Center for a summer and every Friday got to help take a group of kids to Disneyland or Knotts or the beach, etc.  FUN

~~~  Hotel maid, I was fired one day when I refused to clean a room that had blood, poop and vomit all over the place - along with empty booze bottles and the room was thrashed.  Disgusting.

~~~ Waitress Jobs:

Sambo's got fired for dropping a dish of peas on the general manager's lap when he was visiting to check out our restaurant.

Western Steakhouse where I had to wear tight jeans, high heels and low cut tops, a cowboy hat and a fake gun in a holster.  I quit after two days.  I was 18 and was not going to be treated like a sex object to bring in business no matter how good the tips were.  Wow - now they have Hooter's.

Truck stop diner in Albany, Oregon.  Super fun, but I smelled like grease and that grossed me out.

Mexican restaurant -  learned more than I wanted to know about what does on in restaurant kitchens, ick.

~~~ Interior plant person, drove all around Orange and Los Angeles Counties taking care of  plants in restaurants, businesses and model homes.  This was sometimes a very dangerous job due to risk of falling from very high ladders and being out in the middle of nowhere with no one around while I watered plants in empty model homes, also had to step over sleeping homeless people near Skid Row in LA in early morning hours.  My boss gave me a sawed in half baseball bat to use as protection.  I eventually couldn't take it anymore, but I did gain a lot of compassion for the homeless.

~~~ Auto parts driver, FUN FUN FUN!  Got to drive up and down the coast all day delivering auto parts to a bunch of mechanics who just loved it when I showed up (I guess I was a hottie back in the day).  I met some guys through that job and dated my first "older man" (I was in my early 20's he was in his late 30's)

~~~ Secretary at local community college, another fun job where I learned how to be a secretary and met a guy there, went on a date with him and moved in with him the next day.  He worked on campus too and we'd have all sorts of fun rendez-vous in isolated locations.  Youth - sometimes I miss the excitement of it.

~~~ Secretary/bookkeeper for insurance agent, I lasted a month, my boss took me to dinner got me drunk and tried to get me in bed, I never went back to the office after that.

~~~ Secretary for auto body shop, another job working with all guys where I met a guy and dated him.  Actually I think I dated several guys I met there. Those were party days for sure.

~~~Receptionist at Super Cuts, my best friend managed the place and hired me.  Can't remember why I left there.

~~~ Office Manager for a safe manufacturing company, my third job working with all guys.  I had so much responsibility in this job but my boss was a jerk and was selling cocaine out of the office and doing illegal businesses transactions.  He was also verbally abusive toward me (I put up with it, sad to say).  Once again dated several guys who worked there.  Then one day this gorgeous guy came in to apply for a job and that began the most co-dependent relationship of my life and gave me my most serious heartbreak ever (maybe I'll share that story someday - it was classic from the moment he sat down to me and asked me for a ride home because he had no car....very sick relationship.

~~~ Administrative Assistant for the BEST BOSS IN THE WORLD, this was my first corporate job and I learned so much, was surrounded by wonderful people and had job perks you would not believe!  For example the women got to choose a destination each year for our retreat - we went to Hawaii and the Bahamas!  We got generous gifts, had parties all the time, got to go cruising on the owner's yacht in Newport Bay every few months, had a full gym with showers at the office, a state of the art basketball court, a pool to swim in or lounge by at lunch.  AND about 6 guys from the Olympic Water Polo Team would work out/swim/play ball at our office every day (2 worked in the office).  Us girls would eat poolside and just watch.  I made friends with the hunkiest guy of them all because everyone else was intimidated by his good looks but I could see he was shy.  We never dated, but were super good buddies.  I was laid off (building industry in the 80's in CA was horrible) when I was 8 months preg, I got a great severance package that allowed me to work part-time for the next few years and be at home with the Kevster when he was a baby/toddler.

This is getting boring.  Who's going to read this?  I don't even feel like finishing it.  To wrap up, after that job I worked at one place for 17 years and another for 2 and then the nightmare job for 9 months and my current job for a year.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, May 21, 2012

Things I will Miss About My Current Job:

- Karen, my co-worker/friend
- Not having to be at work till 9:00 am (new job = 8:00 am)
- Being able to email, FB, read, etc. while at work
- Specialties Cafe (mostly their soups)
- My boss, we don't interact much but she's a fun person
- The cute Fed Ex guy
- Having Wed off (new job I have Monday's off)

I start the new job this Thursday.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Sunday ~~~~ Rambling Thoughts

~~~  Listening to Simon and Garfunkle on Spotify.  "America" is playing.  Wore this album out when I was a kid.

~~~ Had my hair done yesterday, I am BLOND again.  I'll take a photo later.

~~~ Keven called last night.  After that bad visit last weekend he's been very sweet and kind.  He's excited to get his new life started once he gets out.  I just hope and pray that for once, life goes his way (ie he can get a job, etc.).  Of course it depends mostly on him staying clean - but if he does stay clean PLEASE God/Universe - give him JOB!

~~~ I don't have a man in my life, but there is a man in my life.  We have an odd one-sided relationship in which the focus is HIM HIM HIM because he's so stressed (and had legit reasons for it).  I mostly just listen on the other end of the phone and occasionally see him but we're not dating.  There are a million red flags as to why he is not be right for me (main one - the co-dependence issue) but I can't help but like him and be intrigued to see what will happen next.  Plus, getting a hug and a kiss once in awhile is worth putting up with all his venting about his life...if that's the price I have to pay for a bit of male affection, so be it (for now).  I'm a big girl, I know what I'm doing and there is no way I will get hurt because I'm not letting him near my heart.

~~~ Yesterday I was listening to music and a few songs came up that brought me back to my first "love at first site" boyfriend.  I was 18, he was 25.  I don't believe in love at first site, but this was so powerful and so real.  His name was Ashley and our entire relationship was like scenes from romantic movies.  Not realistic, but so damn fun, so thrilling, so special.  One time he showed up at the restaurant where I was distressing (a small family owned Mexican place).  He lived an hour away so it was a real shock to see him.  When he entered the room I ran over to him and he picked me up and twirled me around the room and everyone stopped eating and started clapping for us!  There were many other movie scene moments.  Eventually I met another guy and Ashley found me at his house and told me he still loved me but...for some reason I knew it would never work.  I still wish I would have stayed in touch.  Maybe it would have?

~~~  Oh wow, now Jeff Buckly is singing "Hallelujah".  Eric (therapist) and I share a love for Jeff.  There was something so special about him.  He is beautiful to listen to and to look at.

~~~ I don't know what to do with myself today.  I guess I'll figure something out.  I hope that anyone who reads here has a wonderful Sunday.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, May 18, 2012

When in a Riptide - Swim Parallel to the Shore

For those of you who don't live near the ocean this analogy may not make sense - but sometimes you can be out in the waves and all of a sudden a riptide comes along.  The riptide will pull you out further into the ocean.  You desperately try to swim to shore but its too powerful, so you wear yourself out and (hopefully) a lifeguard will come to your rescue.  Swimming toward shore is the logical thing to do, its instinctual, but dangerous.  The right way to maneuver yourself out of a riptide is to swim parallel to the shore until you've swam beyond it, then you can swim to shore.  So simple....IF you know what to do.

I was sucked into the vortex of my son's opiate addiction back in October 2008.  I wore myself out doing what came naturally.  I didn't die, but I lost precious years of time trying not to drown.  Slowly I started taking steps to get my life back.  One of those steps was not to write specifically about addiction anymore, another was to leave a couple of Facebook Groups that kept the words "heroin" and "addiction" front and center every time I went on FB.  One thing I will never do is stop reading the blogs of the people I've come to know and love over these years.

So, all this to say, I chose to ignore a documentary that came out recently even though it was made by two moms local to me and features people right here in my area, South Orange County (known for its affluence, lack of crime, snobby people, and being a great place to raise kids).  I wasn't ignoring the documentary because I stopped caring about addicts and their families....if you know me, you know its because:

I CARE TOO MUCH for my own good

Today Keven's attorney (I still call her that, even though she's not working for us, she's become a friend) sent me the link so I decided to watch it.  The purpose is to convince kids/teens that trying drugs one time can be one time too many.  I even recognized one of the girls filmed here, she's from the crowd Kev and Ant* hung with.

I think its the best documentary I've seen in terms of its potential to get through to young people.  Its 20 minutes long, you don't have to watch the whole thing to get the feel of it, but I was hooked and had to watch it all.

As I posted on FB this morning, another young man has died,  He was 21 and was found dead in his bed at Rehab about a week ago.  Same Rehab Kev was at.  I've lost count of how many in our circle that have died, but I think its at least 10 maybe 12.  In less than four years.

Here's the link:  Overtaken

At minute 12 there is a young man talking about how he ran his mother over with his car in order to get high, and he didn't even care, he just didn't want her to come between him and his fix.  That's how addicts think.  I can totally imagine that happening....

Holy shit!  I was just listening to an additional video by Jodi and Christine (women who produced the doc) that our area is NUMBER TWO IN THE NATION FOR OVERDOSE DEATHS BETWEEN AGES OF 15 - 24!  Wow.

*Lastly, just thought I'd mention Anthony.  I love him, always have, always will.  I talk to him several times a week and write him and send him books.  He's in jail till October, when he gets out he'll be almost 25 years old.  Once again, I have hope that this will be "it" and he will change his life.  Once again, I am prepared for possibility of him going back to drugs - he's decided his new drug of choice is speed, he's no longer interested in heroin, I suppose that reduces his risk of OD, but his mother died from driving her motorcycle into the back of a truck while on speed.  So....that's an update on my other boy, who I tried to distance myself from, but I need him as much as he needs me.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Today's Youth - what's wrong?

Before I get into my post today I'll update you on Kelly:  She never called to drop by.  But, I am glad I wrote about it because all the comments left were helpful.  If she calls and wants to see me, my line will be "That won't work for me".   As far as her making amends - I doubt that's the reason for her visit, she's never made amends when she was working a program, so I doubt she would now.  I think she just wanted a ride home and if she stopped by here knew I couldn't say no.  But....I can,  it won't be easy, but I can.

Today is my nephew's 17th birthday.  He's a good kid, probably the "best" kid our family has produced in relation to not doing stupid things, not using drugs or alcohol, etc.  But he's depressed.  He has been for years, its part of our genes, his father (my bro), his brother, his sister, his cousin (kev) his aunt....we all have it.  So when I look at this sweet kid, I understand that its GENETIC for many of us and medication is a must!  I just worry about this nephew, he's already been hospitalized once for suicidal ideation.  (though to read his FB page he portrays himself as happy go lucky).

There seems to be so many young people today that are depressed or addicted or lost in some way.  I have a few philosophies on why, and I think Lou wrote a post not long about a generation of "helicopter parents" that have changed the whole process of growing up for a generation of kids.  Bottom line:  if parents don't allow their children to feel the consequences of life, they will hit a certain age and not be prepared for reality and therefore not be able to cope in a healthy way.

I tried to raise my kid right....I forced him to play outside most of the time (and most of the time he preferred that).  I didn't get too upset when he got hurt (not counting the time he broke his leg in three places).  I did help him with his homework and would often end up in tears over math cause I didn't get it either.  Looking back I did a lot of things my parents would never have done.  BUT, that's not why he's an addict.
8 years old, had to be in a wheelchair/on crutches for 4 months with this thing (obviously it was wrapped up, I took the pic at the doctor's apt.)

Parents may mess up, we may raise our children different than our parents, we may not prepare them for life....but we never raise them to be addicts.  ITS NOT OUR FAULT.  It took me a long time to believe that, and there are still a few people in my life that like to drop hints that, yes indeedy, it was partly my fault.  I ignore their ignorance.  Hey - ignore, ignorance....I never noticed those two words were so closely related.

Anyhow, all this to say, its not our fault if our children turn out to be addicts, I think there is a culture of helicopter parents and think new parents should stop reading books and reading blogs about the "right way" to parent and just follow their instincts.  LOL, that reminds me of an incident that makes me crack up when I try to visualize what it looked like:

Kev was about three.  I had decided spanking was unnecessary so had never spanked him (yet).  We were at the dinner table and it was his turn to pray and thank God for our meal.  He usually said something simple like "Thank you God for the food and my family".  On that night my dear son decided to add a new twist:  "Thank you God.  Poop on Jesus".  My sister and mother were holding back giggles but I flew out of my chair and grabbed him so fast his chair fell over.  I drug him up to his room and gave that smart ass 3 year old a spanking!!!!   I think we were both shocked but I got the message through to him.  LOL, its so funny to me now, but I was PISSED at the time.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, May 14, 2012

How do you tell someone you don't want to see them?

I had a true day of relaxation for mother's day - took about four naps.  I just didn't want to be in reality so I spent time sleeping instead.  Got a call from both my boys and a gift from my sister.

I'm being challenged left and right with boundary issues.  I am working really hard at recognizing the difference in helping someone because I want to, or because I feel I should.  Yesterday I agreed to do something for someone and today I am going to tell him I changed my mind - I'm not comfortable with it, he can find someone else.  That may sound like a small thing, but its progress for me.

Which brings me to my question.  As most of you know, I was very close with one of Keven's friends who I referred to as "Kelly" on my old blog.  She and Keven were like brother and sister, and looked so much alike that they were often mistaken for siblings.  Even when Keven was not around she'd come by to see me and I was there for her through a lot of her addiction and boyfriend issues.   For the last six months we saw less and less of each other and at one point (on Keven's last run) I knew she was using with him so I cut her out of my life by blocking her number from my phone.

Well, she got a new number and called me the other night and wants to drop by (she works walking distance from my house and I wonder if its a way for her to get a ride home from me?  She uses people a lot).  I didn't know how to say "I don't want anything to do with you, leave me alone" so I said, "sure, call me and you can stop by".


I have been stressed every since and am going to have to tell her I don't want to see her.  BUT THAT SEEMS SO MEAN!  I don't know if I have it in me.

In other news:  I'm learning how to use a MAC and its way different than Windows.  I like it but am a bit frustrated.

I'm sharing this photo in honor of my silly cat, Beatle!  I know longer have pet rats, I miss them.
Hope each and every person who reads this has a wonderful day, a day where they can focus on the good and find gratitude.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

My Mother's Gift in 2010 :)
Every day is mother's day if you're a mother.

Today is a day that focuses on mothers if we like or not.  I have never liked it (well, I admit I liked the gifts my sister got me when Keven was little - that was fun).  

I just think of the people who are missing their mothers today, or who have been hurt or abused by their mothers.

And then there are the mothers who have lost a child...the single most devastating thing that could happen to a person, imo.

Lots of moms who's children are off at war, or have terminal illnesses, or, like me, have a child who's incarcerated.

But by far, the worst feeling of all is to have a child out there that is an addict and you don't know where they are - or you do know where they are and wonder, "is today the day he/she will OD and die?"

I know this isn't very cheery and I almost didn't write it but its what's on my heart today.  I'm not sad or depressed or anything...I'm just thinking about what its lik to be the mother of an addict.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, May 11, 2012

I Got A New Job!

I've had my eye open for a new job for a long time and finally one came along that was too good to be true (financially) and I got it!  I put in my notice at my current job yesterday.  I will start the new job on May 24, working for a church as an administrative assistant.  I WILL BE MAKING ENOUGH MONEY TO MAKE ENDS MEET AND START A SAVINGS ACCOUNT!

It will be great to use my skills again instead of sitting around all day answering the phones and being online or reading.  I will still find time to read blogs, but as I said recently, I've kind of been having a hard time leaving comments.

Keven has totally changed his attitude and has been a pleasure to talk to on the phone and visit other every other week.  I will go see him tomorrow for Mother's Day - I hope he doesn't feel bad for being in there because Mother's Day is not that big of a deal to me...its more the day to day that matters and I know he loves me to pieces and is fully aware of how damn lucky he is to have me as a mom - lol.

I'm going back to bed up at 3:30 and couldn't sleep.  Thanks again for reading here and being the best "support group" ever.

My Little Boy :)
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, May 10, 2012

ABC News on Drugs in Orange County

I"m glad that this is coming to light, hopefully this mother/son will make an impact.  Watch the beginning of the video (at least that much) okay?

Here's the link.

My blog template got messed up so i have to fix it later.

Plus I have some good news to share :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, May 7, 2012

Random Thoughts

~ Could my emotional roller coaster as of late be partly due to the gray weather we've been having?  Or the man I am interested in who is also interested in me but....we are taking it very  s   l   o   w  which is probably good but not something I'm used to.

~ Making a decision feels good.  I made a decision not to help out my ex bf with his immigration hearing thing in person, but I am writing a declaration saying I think he's not a flight risk/danger to anyone.  I hope I am right but I doubt they are going to let him out anyhow.  It seems ludicrous to me to send him back to The Netherlands after 41 years here, but whatever will be will be.

~ Got the very front of my hair weaved yesterday - I needed a bit of blond back.

~ Keven called last night, it was nice.  He wants to be out on his own and said he's willing to do ANY JOB even if he has to be a day laborer.  I've never seen a white guy standing in the crowd with the day laborers waiting for work before, I hope they will allow him in their group. (do you guys have day laborers where you live where they stand at certain locations waiting for someone to hire them for the day?)

~  Its a new day for eating right and exercising.  I am going to use Fitday to track my food and exercise and just chill out and not eat sugar or processed foods and see what happens.  I'm going to quit obsessing over it.  I wanted to lose weight FAST but that ain't gonna happen so I have to ACCEPT the things I can not change and have the Courage to whip my ass into shape by doing the right things on a daily basis.  No More Ben and Jerry's!  (at least for a long time)

~  I hope we all have a good week.  I pray for our children, and for us, daily, several times a day as they come to my mind.  Can't ever give up hope.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 6, 2012


I had a post here yesterday.  I took it down because the two comments left made me take a step back and say "wtf are you doing now?" to myself.

Without going into all the details, I am considering doing something to help a friend, more like to help his father, because that's just what I do.  I am willing to go out of my way for people I care about.  I genuinely want to make a positive difference and be helpful...blah blah blah.  But where do you draw the line?  When does it become unhealthy or even wrong to be willing to help?  Shoot, I obviously don't know.

It took me years to find my boundaries with Anthony, but they are in place and I feel good about them.
I've made great progress in my boundaries with Keven, but will be continuously working to maintain them.
With men, I am telling myself my boundaries are good but ????

So, in the case of my friend mentioned above - I thought I was doing the right thing but now its clear to me that I am once again not operating out of a healthy, logical place in my brain (thank you commenters for being honest).

All week I've been on the verge of tears over this, my weight and the guy I've been seeing recently.  I feel very lost and alone sometimes and am not embarrassed to admit it.  But I do get embarrassed at some of my decisions, its like I HAVE to be nice, I make decisions with my heart, not my mind.  Will I ever change?

Also - thanks for all the helpful fitness and nutrition info.  I definitely can't be a Vegan, even though that's my preference for many reasons.  I am just going to keep doing what I"m doing and tweak it a bit and hope for results.  Yesterday I ate Ben and Jerry's cause that's my drug of choice - they have a new flavor that seemed to be made just for me:

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, May 5, 2012

My favorite.  I miss Jeff Buckley

 Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, May 4, 2012

Attention Vegans:

Do any of my wonderful readers follow a Vegan diet?  I have many reasons for wanting to eat strictly vegan but every time I try for a month or so I don't feel "great" like they say I should feel, I feel tired and crave protein.

Right now I am eating like this:

- Green smoothie for breakfast (spinach, kale, blueberries, 1/2 banana, unsweetened almond milk, whey protein powder and ground flax seed)  Yum, its so good.

- Salad with some sort of protein and low fat dressing for lunch (chicken or beans or tuna or eggs)

- Apple and/or 10 almonds for snack

- Some type of veggies and protein for dinner

- If I am still hungry later I will have some Greek plain yogurt with some apricots (unsweetened) and slivered almonds mixed in.

I drink water all day long (and two cups of coffee in the morning).

I am NOT losing weight.  I got frustrated and overate twice this week and gained 6 ounces.

I feel sick and tired most of the time even though I am not eating sugar, wheat or any processed foods.  I am wondering what the heck is wrong with me as other friends are eating this way and the pounds are falling off.  AND YES, I have been exercising!!

I walk every day, I lift weights, I do push-ups, squats, etc. and I stretch every damn day.  Every other day I run up a long flight of stairs near my house (run up, walk down for HIIT).

I don't like meat, I am sick of chicken, I can't stand eggs....but if I start eating vegan I will have more carbs and to me, those are the enemy.

I guess I should be talking to a nutritionist but you guys are free :)

Someone suggested I am not eating enough.  I don't feel hungry enough to eat any more, but I do feel tired and have been going to bed really early.  Blah blah blah.  I just want to feel better and look better and thought I was doing all the rights stuff!!!!!!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

There is No Normal

I'm aware that normal is just a setting on the washing machine, but I still wish there was some consistency in my life - like maybe a whole week of not having anything big to be upset or stressed about?  I guess that's too much to ask for.

I haven't been myself for a few weeks.  Lots going on internally.  I met a guy, we sort of are seeing each other. See, "sort of", that's the problem!  We like each other, we get along great, but there are complications as always.  He may actually be moving back "home" to Canada so we are trying to keep our emotions out of the relationship, so really, its not a relationship its more like friends that are attracted to each other.  As usual, its another weird situation in my love life.  And if he doesn't move - there are things that make me realize he's probably not the right guy for me anyhow.  So I'm enjoying the hugs and kisses, etc. and trying not to think about the rest...

Also, like several of my blog friends, I've been eating right and working out and getting very discouraged at how little my body is changing.  Is it my age?  Is it that I messed up my metabolism so severely by doing the HCG diet last year?  What is it?  I have cut out sugar and carbs and processed foods and am eating mostly vegs, some fruit, protein and a little bit of dairy (Greek yogurt only) and nuts.  That's it.  I lost a few pounds and now nothing.  So I get discouraged and have a huge bowl of ice cream two nights in a row and lasagna for dinner.  Why do I do this to myself?  (my new male friend thinks I am beautiful - you can tell he's not from around here!).

Oh, and I have to testify in an immigration hearing in a few months.  They are trying to deport an old friend (HS Sweetheart) back to The Netherlands and his attorney wants me to be a witness to the fact that his father needs him (he does!).  More details on that later.  I really don't see why after 41 years in the US they want to get rid of him now...other than the fact that he's a criminal (bank robber) but he's served all his time! I really know how to pick my men.  (To my credit, after the first three years of dating he became an addict and I gave him one year to get his life together and then left him.  He didn't rob banks when we were together!).

I am reading blogs but can't seem to comment much.  I don't know why.  I just can't find the words.  I hope you know I care about every person who reads here.  I've seen some great progress and good news about some of our children, and some heartbreaking stuff about others.  We just have to keep moving forward and never lose hope.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara