Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bye, Davy

Here's proof that my mother hated me - see haircut and matching dress with little sister.  Ugh.

Just yesterday I saw that Davy Jones had an upcoming performance locally.  I smiled to myself and moved on with my day.  Today I heard that he was gone.  Rest in peace, Davy.

He was my first "love" but I secretly loved Mickey, it just was so uncool to love Mickey.

A bit of music trivia:

When The Monkees were at the height of their fame there was a young man in England named Davey Jones.  He was a young musician himself but didn't want to be confused with the more famous Davy.  So, he changed his name to David Bowie :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Monday, February 27, 2012

Replacing Passions

Thanks for the comments on my last post.  So many of you said things pointing out the positive things that can come from tragedy and heartbreak.  I know in many ways I am a better person for it, and I've watched others grow alongside me through their own personal journey's in parenting an addict.

If you haven't read yesterday's post:  PLEASE READ THE COMMENTS.  There are some priceless points made there.  There's not much there that I haven't  myself but you know how it is:  Hearing it from someone else validates what you already know.  I needed that.
So THANK YOU, once again, for being here for me.


I don't want it to define me anymore.  When someone says "so, tell me about yourself" I don't want "I'm the parent of a heroin addict" to be the first thing to come to mind.  I know that sounds kind of pathetic, but K has been my main focus for the last 21 years.  I don't have other children, I don't have a romantic interest in my life, I don't have a job that requires anything of me (other than showing up and answering phones).

I don't want to this to sound like a pity party.  What I'm getting at is that I need to find new passions in life, or to reignite the old ones.  I want to feel alive again, to have something that gives me gratification, inspires me, and provides a reason to get myself up in the morning with a feeling of anticipation vs. dread.

One of my main passions has always been music - it touches my soul.  Another passion is writing - it provides an outlet that is freeing to me.  I combined those two things into a very popular blog about rock and roll music.  I had hundreds of followers, I had record labels sending me free music to review, new bands would ask me to publicize them on my blog because they knew it would bring them a new fan base.  I even got interviewed on blogtalk radio by two guys who now have their own record label.

But:  I don't care anymore.  I don't write there.  It doesn't interest me.  That blog still exists but its like an empty lot with grown over weeds.  Maybe someday that passion will come back, but I don't think so and I'm okay with that.

Something new is growing inside me (no - I'm not pregnant!  lol).  I know its in there I just have to be patient.  Maybe its the opposite of a dirt lot full of weeds.  Maybe its a healthy soil ready for planting.

I have other passions too, but I'll end here for now.  Thanks for reading.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Who Am I?

I named this blog "Back to Being Me",  unfortunately I've lost sight of who "me" is.  That's one of the reasons I'm enjoying my counseling sessions - it forces me, like it or not, to look inside myself and figure some things out.

I've always been very introspective, but the last few years with the focus on my son and the constant emotional upheaval, I didn't pay much attention to me.  Friends would tell me to "take care of yourself" so I'd try.  I'm still trying.  Its just taking time.  And, to be honest, the last month I've been more depressed than I have in years.

Depression can occur from a brain chemical imbalance - and I have that problem.  I take anti-depressants and they work.  But depression can also result from life's circumstances, etc.  I think that's where I'm at.

But what exactly is causing it?  And why can't I pull myself out like I normally do?  I have a life philosophy, part of which says that happiness is a choice, it has everything to do with attitude and nothing to do with circumstances.  I believe that most days.  But lately I tell myself its bullshit.  If it were only that easy....

I think my current depression stems from the fact that I truly have lost part of me.  I am NOT the same person I was before the heroin addiction sucked the life out of me.  It took part of me that will never return, because its a lifelong disease.  My son will never be healed,  but hopefully he'll go into remission and it will never come back.  Its like cancer, it can be treated and the patient goes into remission, but there is always a chance it will come back.

Maybe tomorrow I will write about which parts of me are missing now.  Which passions are no longer inspiring to me.  What it feels like to be my age and realize that I may never have the one thing I've wanted most all my life.

Until then, I will just stop analyzing myself and watch the Oscars while not eating because I am on a very strict diet (which no doubt is adding to my depression).

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Goodbye to Heroin Letter

I just looked back to see what I wrote about a year ago on this date, and two years ago on this date.  The post from 2/25/09 received more views than any other post on my blog.  I decided to reprint it here.  Its sad, but it was a powerful look into how difficult it is to walk away from heroin.  This was before my son started losing friends and acquaintances to OD's.  It was a time I thought he was "done" (how insanely naive I was at that time).  Maybe it will help someone if I share it again.

Here it is:

Today I was going to write about my son's "love affair" with heroin.  Then I saw this letter which was published by this girl's parents after she died, only a month after writing it.  The article about it is  here.

When K talks about heroin, its as if he's talking about an old friend, or a lost love that he misses.  Hearing him talk that way concerns me, but it also helps me understand a bit more of what he's fighting against. This letter says so much.  I am so sorry this young woman lost the battle.  How many more will die?  I can't stand it.  Something has to change.

Goodbye Heroin, by 17-year-old Hannah Meredith.
 Dear Heroin,

I never want to touch you ever again, you've ruined my life, made me steal from my family, on probation 'cause of you, why I choose you I don't know?
You're the worst thing that ever came into my life. Yes, I did love you but now it's time to say goodbye.
I'm so ashamed of myself 'cause of you. I OD three times, you're a big risk to    anyone that does it and to me.
So I'm going to be strong and stay away from you and never touch you again. My family have supported me all the way but I just kick them up the backside    taking advantage of them.
Stole off my mother, granddad, Mam Iscoed. I borrowed money off her and didn't give it back. She's getting old now, and look what you've made me do, my nan — £120 stolen off her, once again 'cause of you.
I love my family from the bottom of my heart, it's not nice being called a junkie or smacked.
It feels horrible, you feel so small. Well I feel small, you made me feel like I'm worth nothing, just a dirty junkie sticking needles in my arms.
You're out of my life now, don't need you no more. Yeah, you've messed me up nearly two and a half years of my life but I've still got my whole life ahead of me and I'm going to prove to everyone that I can stay away from you, going to college, getting a job and a car.
Then get on with my life and get my family's trust back. Stop offending, that's the only reason I was doing all that 'cause of your dirty addiction. You make me sick to be honest with you.
I did love the buzz of you but you're not worth it. By losing my family, thinking about you p****s me off.
But not anymore, I'll make sure you stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you.
I was brought up by a good family not a bad one, yeah I've had a lot of problems in my life, been quite bad actually, all because of you (Heroin) (gear), (smack)!!
You're a killer, you've killed a lot of people and really they are good people. I'm lucky that you haven't put me in a box cemetery. Lost loads of my mates and it hurts me, they sometimes blank me 'cause they know I've been on you (gear) it's not nice when I've got pin holes in my arms and marks, track marks. 
The illness that I go through when I use you and the after effects, cold turkey, clucking (corr), withdrawals, it's the worst feeling that you've put me through, being bad off you.
Wanted to kill myself a few times 'cause I couldn't go through it. Well guess what (heroin) I can and did do it. I can beat you anytime. I can control you, you don't control me.
I've got enough will power to get you out of my life for good. I'm strong and much stronger than you can ever be. I'm not losing anything over you. Goodbye heroin.
Never again. Family comes first.
Hannah Meredith

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Dolphin Stampede

I was fortunate enough to be in the middle of one of these years ago.  K was with me, we were headed to Catalina Island and were surrounded by literally thousands of dolphins.  This is pretty much what it looked like.  This was filmed off Dana Point today:


Dolphins have always been special to me. My first tattoo was a dolphin :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

California is Most Hated State!

Just heard on the news that my home state of California is the the "most hated" state!  Illinois was next in line, Hawaii was the favorite state.

I can't say I'm surprised by this.  Although I have a certain loyalty to my state, I've always wanted to move somewhere else.  Why?  Because of the people.  Californians are not the friendliest bunch, which really bothers me.  Its one of the many reasons I don't feel like I fit in here.

The weather here is great, but its crowded, EXPENSIVE and a lot of people here feel entitled to something.  Yuk.

So tell me - what do people say about California?  Why do they hate us?

Places I want to live:

Just about any place other than here (but this is where family is, and family comes first).

I would love to live in Northern California (I feel bad for Northern California getting a bad rap - I'm sure the haters are hating the Southern Cal.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I Miss Everyone

Well here's the new blog.  As you can see, there's not much to it yet.

I've missed blogging.  I miss the community, I miss the interaction and most of all I miss those that read here.  I've been reading your blogs (if you have one) and sometimes leaving comments, not always.

I'm seeing a therapist (I'll call him Eric).  He's incredible - I've been to many counselors over the years but this guy is the best.  He's  helpful, insightful,   kind, extremely handsome, speaks the truth I need to hear, and was once a heroin accident himself.*   I cant' afford to see him as often as I'd like but its worth every penny.

*I typed "accident instead of addict, hmmm....interesting.

My point in telling you about Eric is that when I told him I felt like the last four years of my life have been wasted, he told me they had a purpose, but that its time to move on and put the focus back on me.  It feels selfish, awkward, unfamiliar.  The last four years seem like 20 years.  I can barely remember what life was like before becoming all consumed with K's addiction.  Its like a broken heart - even if you're not thinking about the hurt, its always there just beneath the surface.

I have no idea what I will write here, or how often, but I need to write, its in my blood.  My love of writing began at age 8.  I have journals from my youth to my early adult hood, and then again from age 30 till now.  That's a lot of paper and ink.  Its theraputic to me.  And blogging is a form of writing that very unique benefits (and drawbacks).  I don't care if no one ever reads this, but I will be here pounding at the keys when the need strikes.

Thanks to you who want to keep reading here and huge thanks to those of you who've been emailing to "stay in the loop".

I'll still share about my son now and then.  His current status:  He's at the Recovery Ranch for 30 days, possibly more.  He got permission to call me last night to tell me he loves me and that he's doing good.  He sounded good!  But I can never take anything at face value with him, I wonder if this is part of a ploy to butter me up because he wants something?  Then later today I got a call from the Ranch, the director asked me if Keven called last night to say he wants to leave there!!!  I told him it was the opposite - he told me he liked it!  So that adds to the feeling that something may be brewing in his mind.  Time will tell.

Peace, Love and Hope,

P.S.  For some reason adding my blog list is really messed up, I know how to do it, I've done it a million times!  But its not doing what I tell it to do.  So look for that when I have the patience to copy each URL individually to list your blogs in my sidebar.