Thursday, November 8, 2018

Suboxone Implant - Or Leave

I really miss writing.  Three kind people left comments here after my last post so I thought I'd follow up.  I didn't even know I had comments until today.  I may actually start blogging again...


My love life - I realized that I DO love Peter and I DO want to be with him for the rest of my life.  All the things about him that bother me are petty.  I was following my usual M.O. for men in my life and pulling/pushing away from him out of fear of commitment and a feeling that I am not lovable.  I listened to my family's complaints about him and let them (my sis and son) warp my view of a wonderful man.

My sis and son don't even know we are back together yet.  They will find out when he comes to visit in January, that's the soonest he can come visit.  They don't like sharing me.  I do so much for both of them because I am the Queen of shameful as that is to admit, its true.

Keven is waiting for the Suboxone implant.  I paid for him to go through detox and he made it a few weeks without using, but is using again while waiting to get the implant.  Damn it!  I can't even tell you how much it pisses me off and the things he does (stealing credit cards) that are totally unacceptable.  If he doesn't get the implant soon (within two weeks) I have to seriously consider kicking him out.

Trew.  Trew is the young man we were visiting in the hospital.  He had endocarditis for the second time and was lucky to be alive.  He was in the hospital for 8 weeks!  His mom lives up north and the rest of his family won't allow him to live with them so he was going to go from the hospital back onto the streets.  The nurses rallied around him for the 8 weeks he was there and made him their special patient, doing all kinds of things nurses don't usually do.  They bought him a bunch of clothes, a big duffel bag, hygiene stuff...everything he needed.  His doctor even gave him a $50 gift card.  They even went as far as getting him the Vivitrol shot before he was discharged (its similar to Suboxone, it blocks opiates so if you use heroin you don't get high).

Well, I couldn't let him go from the hospital to the streets so said he could live here for one month (longer if he got a job).  He was suppose to take it easy for the first week.  He came here on a Saturday night.  The following Tuesday I took him to court to clear up a warrant.  We spent the entire day together, had lunch, had a good time.  He'd stayed with us a few days at a time in the past and fit right in with our little household.

After court that Tuesday he asked me to drop him off at his storage unit, said his dad was going to meet him there to get some stuff out because his brother was no longer going to pay for it.  That sounded reasonable to me so I dropped him off and told him what I was making for dinner and said to call me if he needed a ride "home" later.

Haven't seen him since. Its been over two weeks.  His mom and I are in contact via text and she's heard from him a few times.  The Vivitrol shot is keeping him from heroin but his other drug of choice is meth and that's how he got sick in the first place.

Drugs have such a powerful hold.  It makes me lose hope for Keven, but I can't, I just can't.

My next post will be about MY drug charges...the fun never ends when you have an addict in your life!

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

I need to decide

Peter has come and gone from another visit. Everything indicates that I do not love him and that he loves me "too much" (he's obsessed with me, his world revolves around me).  In so many ways he's a great guy, but he's not the guy for me.  I have a lack of respect for him in several areas.  I am so far from perfect but he accepts all my flaws - including my fat body which he insists is beautiful.  He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.  Its nice to hear once a day or so, but not constantly throughout each conversation. 

Honestly, I don't know if there is a guy for me because I have had 2 other failed engagements, and the longest term relationship I ever had was 2.5 years with Keven's dad (and I got pregnant a year AFTER we broke up, so we did keep seeing each other now and then after the break-up).  But on the other hand, do I want a man in my life?  Yes, but only if its the right one.

One reason its hard to break up with Peter is that he will be devastated and angry and want to endlessly discuss WHY.  I will miss him as a friend but don't think its fair to him if I stay friends with him (at least not at first).  He wants me to list all of the reasons in detail why I am breaking up with him and that's hard for me because it would seem like a list of things I don't like about him and I don't want to hurt him more than I already will be.

Its not fair of me to keep it dragging on...but this time it will be "for good".  All I know is that when he was here I was anxious for him to leave.  That is not a good sign.  How do I tell him that?  :(

In other news - Keven has the two things that addicts sometimes get that both start with an "H".  I can't bear to even spell it out.  He needs to get one final blood test to confirm but has refused to get one so far because for him a simple lab test requires an out-patient visit to the hospital so they can use an ultra-wound machine to locate a vein.  All his surface veins are collapsed from shooting up all these years.  He is suppose to go into a detox this week, I hope and pray it works out. 

Lastly, I need to find a JOB.  I haven't worked a real job in about 18 months so it will be an adjustment, but first I have to find one.  I am an "older worker" so that has its benefits and its drawbacks.  The main concern I have is my memory, I am not the sharp gal I used to be - I think its because there are so many things taking up space in my brain, or maybe its just age.  I'm nervous, but I need to make a living.  Wish me luck.

Thanks to the few of you who still read my ramblings here.  It helps to just get this stuff out in the open, even if only a few people see it :)

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Kev visiting a friend in the hospital.  I rarely get a pic of him.  

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Accepting Reality - Again

I'm in a new place in life and it doesn't feel good.

I broke off my engagement to Peter, only to realize that I don't want to live my life without him.  When I broke it off my sister and son (mostly my sister) were ecstatic because that means they have me all to themselves.  They both have health problems and I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. around here.

But, my sis also gets very annoyed by some of Peter's "quirks", which I admit, but me too.  She has told me she doesn't want him living here (that was the original plan) as if this is HER house, when it is 1/3 my house.

Peter is willing to live anywhere with me and he's accepted that I may have Keven close to me (or with me) the rest of my life if he can't navigate life on his own.  I don't want to go into Keven's issues right now, some new health concerns have come up and they are serious.
My sister also has serious health concerns and chances are I may outlive both of them.  I hope I don't outlive my son, but I may.

Yes, I want to be here for them to take care of them, but she is so mean about Peter.  I am so sick of her on every level. 

Ugh.  I just feel really sad.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Wednesday, May 16, 2018


As usual, I write when I'm in a bad mood.  I am just tired of taking care of everyone else.  I am taking care of me too, but so many people impact my life and I don't know how to change it.

I think I may have to take care of my son for the rest of his life.  He's not normal.  He may never be.  Peter says he understands, but it would have a great impact on our relationship and I really don't want that to happen.

Stress.  I need to work on lessening it.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Sad Mother's Day

I'm sad.  Not because of my mom, or Anthony, because of Keven.  The other day my credit cards went missing.  I found the little pouch I carry them in in his room.  But - the four important ones were missing.  He swore up and down for days that he did not take them.  Of course I knew, and he knew, he was lying.  Its just what he does.  He lies.  He steals and he lies. 

Yesterday I had $10 in my wallet.  Its gone.  The only reason I keep any cash on me is so I can give it to him when he needs it.

I knew he had a bunch of our stuff locked in the trunk of his car so I spent my Mother's Day morning going through it and putting most things back where they belong.  Hidden in a little slot in a watch box were my credit cards - the ones he didn't steal, except one was still missing.  Also found my sister's checkbook.
This doesn't show all the plates (some gold plated), etc. that I had already put away.

I haven't even seen him yet today.  I know he hates himself for the things he does, but he can't seem to stop doing them.  I know I've been saying this for years, but the time is come for me to turn my back on him and let him figure out life on his own.  I may call his parole officer tomorrow to ask if they have a plan and inform them that he won't be living here much longer.

I'm not even mad.  I'm just plain sad.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, April 20, 2018

I'll Take That As A Compliment

Here's what I wrote on FB today:

"Here's one definition of "Acceptance", "willingness to tolerate a difficult or unpleasant situation". Acceptance has the frame of mind that keeps me sane. I've been dealing with my son's illness for over 10 years now, and have tried fixing, avoiding, denying, acting like a crazy woman, isolating and hiding from life, etc. etc. Nothing has helped him, or me. So a few years ago realized that I had a shift in my thinking and had accepted the situation. I may lose him. He may never be well. There is nothing more I can do, I've done my part. Now I just love him and hope that he can learn to love himself, that he can find the right help. "The System" has caused him so much more harm than good and they are at it again trying to force him into his 14th rehab. If rehab worked, don't you think it would have by now? I wise man I know, Mark, says that it doesn't happen until you come to believe in a Higher Power and work the Steps. Another wise person I know things that some people need to stay on Suboxone/Methadone long term to survive. For whatever asinine reason rehabs are 12 Step based and are against Medically Assisted Treatment (Suboxone/Methadone). What if a person needs BOTH? I believe that's what my son needs. I am beyond frustrated with the parole dept. Yet, acceptance has to be daily choice or I will not be able to get out of bed in the mornings. Thanks for listening."

What I didn't say is how hard it is to be in that mindset.  It doesn't come easy.  Its like letting go of control and being ready for the outcome, which in some cases would be death.  Last night he talked about suicide (again) but every time he doesn't do it reminds me that there may be a time that he will.

Anyhow, the title of this post.  Yesterday Keven said to me "a bunch of my friends have asked me over the years if you were an addict".  I asked why (but I sort of knew) and he said "because you know so much about it and understand it from our perspective".  That really touched me.  I did my homework, not just by reading but by getting to know (and love in some cases) quite a few addicts over the last ten plus years.  I care, I can't help it.  I don't judge others that think the only answer is kicking their kid out and moving on, that's called self preservation and I've done that too.  But I do think it helps both the loved one and the addict if you really GET IT.  If you get why they keep using, if you understand what it does for them, how it controls them, how they are willing to take serious risks (physically, relationally and legally) to get it, and how it feels to be dope sick...which is horrendous to put it lightly.

So, I feel complimented by that.  I have a ton of compassion for people that are in the same "boat" as Keven.

I hate that I only have TWO pics of Keven and Anthony together.  I have to use the same ones over and over.  Look at those SMILES.  They were both not using that Thanksgiving.  A great day.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Friday, October 27, 2017

I'm Getting Married for the first time at age 58!

For once I have some great news to share here.  I know not a lot of people read here these days, and I already shared on FB, but wanted to share my joy.

Peter and I met because both of our children are heroin addicts.  A mutual friend introduced us (over the phone - he lives 7 hours north of me) because she thought it would help him to have someone to talk to about his daughter.  We hit it off.

After 3 months we met in person and from there things just blossomed.  On August 15th, as we were walking on the beach, he found a rock for me to sit on then dropped to one knee and proposed.  It wasn't my first proposal but it was the only one that I felt 100% sure about!

We celebrated one year of knowing each other on October 11.  We plan to marry in May/June 2018 and he will move here for a year then we will move out of state after that.

I've never been happier and have never known true love until now!  Sadly, we still have our children to deal with and that is the one dark cloud hanging over with, but we will make it work.

Right after he asked me he looked down and found a heart shaped rock!  This is extra significant because we find heart-shaped rocks for each other all the time.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara