Friday, May 1, 2020

Grow Up You Privileged, Immature, Idiots

Wow, I am a different person than I used to be.  Just look at the title of this post.  I wouldn't even THINK this a few years ago, let alone say it in public.  But I am embarrassed by the behavior I see in some of my Orange County neighbors.  Protesting in groves because our Governor saw the crowded beaches and is punishing them by making them stay off the beach.  If you can't follow the rules, you get punished, that's just how life works. 

Instead of being thankful that we live in an area that addresses serious health issues - like a freaking PANDEMIC - they are pissed because they can't go play at the beach YET.  I'm all for freedom, but I'm also all about caring that without knowing it I could be carrying a virus and pass it on to someone who may DIE from it. 

People were in the streets of my town (not a beach town) protesting today.  It's getting better every day, instead of standing on corner protesting, why don't you try to ENJOY time with your family.  Get to know your kids/parents.  Take walks, toss a football, play games.  We don't have to sit in the house!  We just need to avoid huge crowds and take precautions. 

It's not easy, it's stressful at times - get over yourself.

Peace, Hope and Love (hopefully my bad mood will pass soon)

Friday, January 31, 2020

Kobe = rapist

Its absolutely tragic that Kobe Bryant, his daughter and seven others died in a terrible accident this week.  I live in Orange County, all of them lived here too.  Its been painful for so many, and horrific for the families of the victims.

BUT - they have been calling Kobe a hero and going on and on and on about how great he was. 

I know the family of the girl that he raped.  I know the real story.  I am appalled that no one seems to care that he raped someone and cheated on his wife repeatedly.

He's not a hero. 

I've been raped.  I knew the men, and they would say it was was the opposite.  I cried, I begged, I fought.  I know she did too.

Heroes don't do that. 

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Happy Holidays

To anyone who happens to stop by, hope you have a good holiday season. 

I'm doing my best to remain calm and stress free.  We don't do a whole lot for Christmas, but the family dynamics do get kind of stressful.

Sunday, September 1, 2019

I'm not the me I used to be.
The old me was positive, friendly, even kinda fun.
The me of today struggles to get out of bed every day because I know it will be one more day of heartache, fear, and depression.

Some days I feel hopeful, someday I wonder if life is even worth living.
Lately I actually do stay in bed a lot Its my coping mechanism.
But you can only hide from reality for so long.

I had four days alone from my sister and son and it ruined me. It was the best four days I've had in my life in at least 12 years...but even then I got stressful phone calls and their 6 day trip ended 2 days early.

To live alone, to not have to deal with anyone else's moods, problems, depression, illness, would be Heavenly. But I don't see how it can happen because I refuse to abandon my son. My sister, I could leave, but not Keven.

He has too many issues. He's paranoid, he sees things, he's extremely depressed, he's anxious and he can't stop using. He has terrible nightmares and feels people touching him when he sleeps. He comes into my room after a nightmare, just like a child would. He has no friends, no social life, no physical activity. He barely leaves his room.

My boyfriend is supportive, but he lives 7 hours away. And when he comes to visit Keven isolates even more, not because he doesn't like Peter, he just feels uncomfortable with someone else in the house.

Now he has an idea for starting his own business and feels like people will discourage him because he's an addict. He knows he has to stop using before he can run a business....and of course there are a few other minor things to consider: money! etc. etc. etc.

As Bruce says in one of his songs: "I ain't lookin for praise or pity". I'm just sharing this here to get it out of my system. It helps, a little.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Hope Again

My sister and Keven just left for a cabin in the mountains, they will be gone a week. The point of the trip is for Kev to detox in a safe environment away from home but not in a detox house. The last time I paid for him to go to a detox he had a roommate who made sexual advances toward him, burned him with a lighter, and other inappropriate behavior. I should have sued them to get my money back.

He went to his dr. yesterday and got all the withdrawl meds. Now I just have to hope that my sister can keep she shit together and take care of him. We all agreed that it would be better for her to go than me because of the family dynamics we all share. She is not as nurturing, which in this case is good because he basically just wants to suffer alone. And suffer he will.

For those of you lucky enough to never watch someone you love go through an opiate detox, here are the symptoms:


Early symptoms of withdrawal include:

Muscle aches
Increased tearing
Runny nose

Late symptoms of withdrawal include:

Abdominal cramping
Dilated pupils
Goose bumps

Its so hard to watch him suffer. Thankfully the cabin has a washer/dryer so they can wash the sheets as needed, he will drench them with sweat.
Once he gets back he is going straight to his dr. for a Suboxone Shot (an injection that blocks opiates for 30 days). We have the appt. set up, he's not even coming home first.

This is truly the most hope I have EVER had because the whole thing was his idea. He HATES having to use heroin to survive. He was on the brink of suicide the other night but couldn't do it because of my sis and me. He has a huge emotional breakdown and the next day came up with this plan.

Once he gets home a lot of things will have to change, he will need to get active and leave the house (a rare occurrence when he's using), he will need to find things to do that interest him. And HOPEFULLY make a friend or two. Maybe even meet a nice girl eventually? I've given up my dream of being a grandparent because he doesn't think he should be a dad...but who knows.

In other news, my sister's disease has a new twist which is scary as hell. I'll spare you all the details but the gist of it is she goes bat shit crazy. I'm not kidding, She had to be hospitalized three times for it and it can kill you if you don't get treated immediately, Its because of the cirrhosis she has. Its called Hepatic Encephalopathy.   She HAS to take her medication or it can come back with one missed dose.

As for me - I am so happy to be alone for a week.  No one constantly asking me questions, asking me to do things for them, no one to clean up after or cook for.  No one being bitchy or depressed or whiny or annoying in any way,  Just me, Ivy, Sugar, Atticus and Tortie.  Ivy will miss Therese a lot, but I will take good care of her.  She's already sad that her mama is gone:

I'm still with Peter, its been almost 3 years with one break-up a year ago.  

I hope my faithful readers out there are doing well.  I'd love to hear what's new with you so please leave a comment!  Thanks.

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara
I wrote this after a trip to Ralph's (grocery store) and Walgreens where I observed people giving Keven the evil eye:

He’s my son, I love him.

I see the stares and hear the whispers behind my back.
I’m aware of the opinions of people that know us.
I can imagine the conversations about enabling, tough love and the list of ways my parenting is faulting.
Yes, he’s a grown man - on the outside.
Yes, he looks different - the way he walks, the glaze in his half closed eyes, unkempt appearance, stained fingers.
Yes, he sounds different, he even smells different.
He’s not “slow”, he’s not “a slob”, he does have access to clean clothes and a shower.
He’s intelligent, kind, thoughtful, loving.
His pain is deep, his anxiety debilitating.
He’s not a criminal, but he is a felon.
He’s not allowed at family events.
He has no friends or social life.
His guilt at what’s he’s put me through overwhelms him at times.
He’s aware of how judged he is by society, by neighbors, by most people who know us.
He still holds open doors, is polite, would give you his last dollar.
He loves his family and his pets and has a very tender heart.
He does everything he is capable of to make himself less of a “burden” to me.
I try not to think about the thousands upon thousands of dollars I’ve spent to help him.
I try not to relive the moments of terror when I almost lost him.
I stay positive and encouraging and loving on the outside because if he knew the depth of my suffering he would never get over it.
I don’t pray for him anymore because my prayers have gone unanswered year after year.
I still ask others to pray on the slim chance it may help.
He still has a strong Christian faith.
I lost mine years ago.
He is my son.  I love him with all my heart.  I’m proud of him, even though no one else may understand why.
I’ve accepted the way things are, but hope they don’t stay this way much longer.
I know I may lose him, but he will never lose me as long as I’m breathing I’ll be here for him.
I don’t make sacrifices for him - I willingly do what I need to do to ease his suffering and encourage him.
I get mad, tired, scared, frustrated and stressed out, but I will never lose hope.
He’s my son - the little boy who crawled in my lap to snuggle, who brought me joy I didn’t know existed.
He also brought me a level of pain I never knew existed - I hurt for him, not because of him.
I politely smile as I listen to your “issues” with your children, your life and secretly think you have no idea how lucky you are
Yes, I saw that look you gave us today at the store, your face said it all.  He didn’t notice...this time.
He is my son.  
I love him.
I accept him.
I understand him.
If you’ve never walked in my shoes - shame on you for thinking your children are better than mine.  
If you are thankful you’re not in my shoes - good, you should be.
If you are disgusted by the shoes he and I wear - I don’t care.  I don’t waste my time caring what you think, but I do see it, I feel it, I am aware of it.
I rather be judged than judge any day.  
Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara

Saturday, March 9, 2019

I think he's ready

People like to use the term "hitting rock bottom" when referring to a heroin addict getting so low that they are ready to stop using.  But sadly, "bottom" for many heroin addicts is death.

I think, I HOPE, Keven has reached his "bottom".  He's in the hospital with sepsis which is life threatening but hopefully they caught it soon enough.  It started in a deep abscess in his upper thigh (from shooting up there).  They operated on it but could not get all the infection out so for now they have a drain in it, but on Tuesday they will go in again to try and get the rest.

In the meantime, they are waiting for the bacteria culture to be identified and we are hoping and praying its not necrotizing fasciitis (flesh eating bacteria) because that would mean he may need his leg amputated.

I can't think about that.  I have one nurse telling me how sick he is and another saying "he'll be okay" so I go with nurse two.

For those kind souls who still read here - things with my brother have gotten even worse since last time I wrote.  So live is a bit of a challenge these days.

How are YOU doing??????

Peace, Hope and Love, Barbara